Still sucks

I haven’t liked any of the Twilight movies. In fact, I have a bitter hatred for most of them that’s unhealthy and likely illegal in some states.

That said, I almost liked 2011’s Breaking Dawn Part 1, a sometimes twisted film that, while mostly stinky, showed promise. It ended with Bella (Kristen Stewart) opening her eyes as a vampire so I thought, “Hey, Bella Vampire … the last film could be a good one.”

But, like the fisherman pulling up a heavy net to find nothing but boots and dead mafia dudes, or like the kid getting nothing but Miami Marlins after opening a pack of baseball cards, I was severely disappointed with Breaking Dawn Part 2.

Yes, Bella is a vampire now. But she does little more than change her “Bella is Love Sad” pout to a more intense “Bella Needs Blood” pout. She runs around in fast motion and saves deer from mountain lions, like most vampires do.

She also has a kid now, and this kid is weird looking. Director Bill Condon, who also helmed the previous almost-good installment, opts for some sort of CGI effects with Bella’s half-human/half-Nosferatu baby, Renesmee. The resultant baby looks like one of the E-Trade kids, except this kid isn’t funny.

The baby just looks at people with a creepy, janky smile. She grows rapidly, going through a phase with a bad wig—just like her mom in some of the previous Twilight movies!—and finally winds up as young actress Mackenzie Foy.

Much of the plot revolves around protecting the baby, with Jacob the Wolf (Taylor Lautner) imprinting on her, which means he owns her or some shit like that. I guess they grow up to be husband and wife in a freaky, Woody Allen-Soon Yi sort of way. Only author Stephenie Meyer knows.

One of the big twists this time around is that some of the new vampires have special powers. Bella has some protective shield she can project, much like the Death Star in Star Wars. Another has the ability to shock people with electricity, and yet another has something described as “paralyzing vapors.”

When I heard of this particular power, I thought it made sense. Vampires suck in all sorts of foul stuff, so it would only stand to reason that their farts would be so noxious as to render those within a few yards motionless. Alas, I was let down to see that paralyzing vapors were just black smoke that wafts from the vampire’s hands. Wait—maybe that’s how a vampire farts?

Much of the movie consists of Bella and her strange, overly happy vampire family standing around in a house shooting looks at each other or out the window. Occasionally, Bella ventures outside for more running and hunting and intense pouting.

At one point, Bella is running super fast, and we see the world around her through her super vampire eyes. Among the things she sees while running is a flower blooming super fast.

So, this doesn’t make sense to me. Her being able to run real fast means she can see a flower bloom real fast? So the flower is now going at her pace? Can she magically make the flower bloom fast? It takes your average flower a long time to open up, and somebody simply running by fast normally wouldn’t accelerate the flower blooming process?

See? That’s the kind of stupid crap I have found myself wondering about while watching Twilight movies. And let me just say this for the “twist” ending: I was much happier with the way things turned out before the big twist happened. The pre-twist ending had something involving Dakota Fanning that I rather enjoyed.

Goodbye Twilight … at least until they make the gross movie where Bella’s baby grows up to marry Taylor in completely inappropriate fashion. (I nominate Woody Allen as director.)

Oh, and for those of you wondering how much of the Taylor abs you get in this installment—one lousy scene. Not nearly enough if you ask me. They really are amazing.