It’s dark in here, but I can recognize you by your breath. You’re Oprah Winfrey.

It’s dark in here, but I can recognize you by your breath. You’re Oprah Winfrey.

Rated 1.0

First off, I want to clear up some confusion concerning this film’s title. It incorrectly implies that just one predator is fighting all of the aliens and, damn it, that’s just not true. There are multiple predators in this film, including the hilarious Pred-Alien, a hybrid monster that comes into existence after a predator gets one of those alien face-huggers on his head.

The second thing that needs to be cleared up is the “Requiem” part. That word alone suggests a “classic” conclusion to this brain dead series. It’s a big word that I doubt many characters in the film could even comprehend. There are no Catholic masses or pieces of music written to accompany a classic mass in this film. No aliens or predators can be seen singing their laments in the movie. The word “Requiem” should be stricken from the title. A more suitable title would be Aliens Vs. Predator: Shitty Looking Smackdown That Will Hopefully Mark the Last Chapter In This Sorry Saga.

When I first saw one of the Alien vs. Predator comic books, it struck me as one of the dumbest ideas for a series … ever. Combining these two movie villains makes no sense. They exist in different movie universes, and the movies they occupied had close to nothing in common.

One thing, in a very long list of things that I hate about these movies, is that the dreaded aliens are reduced to pesky, oversized bugs in this series. They can easily be dispatched with swords, guns, apples and acerbic insults. The only things bad about them are that they are ugly, and they spout acid when punctured. Seriously though, it seems that characters can save themselves from the screechy bastards by shooting rubber bands at them.

I also hate that clicking, gargling sound the predators make. It was cool when used minimally in the Predator movies, but now you have that irritating clicking sound constantly going whenever a predator is present.

The premise here has a predator ship infected by aliens crashing, conveniently in a small Colorado town at night (Crashing in Manhattan or Chicago in broad daylight would’ve called for big bucks). Face-huggers immediately implant their seeds in two hunters, chest-bursting baby aliens ensue, and a small fraction of Earth at night has a problem.

A sort of concerned C.S.I. Predator shows up to, I guess, wipe out all evidence of the aliens evil doings on our planet. When it finds chest-bursting victims, it pours a glowing blue solution on them that makes the corpses disappear. However, when the predator kills humans, it still does the hanging-a skinned-body-from-a-tree thing. That’s hardly inconspicuous behavior for a C.S.I. predator sent to our world in order to cover up alien evildoings.

There’s a teen element in this one, as the main protagonist is a sad-sack pizza delivery boy in love with the hottest girl in school. This, of course, attracts blonde bullies with emo haircuts, and I’ve always asserted that blonde bullies with emo haircuts are absolutely essential to Aliens Vs. Predator movies.

It’s fair to say that character development was not at the forefront of directors The Brothers Strause (Yes, that is how they are billed). Before the film’s release, they bragged that this installment would mark a return to the Alien suits of old. Too bad we can’t see these suits because everything is shot in the dark, and they cheat the visuals and action with quick-cut editing.

Stay away from this film if you are a fan of the earlier, stand-alone films and wish to remain afraid of the H.R. Geiger inspired xenophobes. If you so desire to have them reduced to oversized cockroaches, have at it.