Season in the abyss

The RN&R’s resident movie reviewer is none too pleased about the upcoming crop of summer blockbusters

Perhaps, for some of you, the most exciting cinematic prospect for this summer movie season would be James Cameron’s rumored re-release of Avatar, with a full six minutes added to the movie. That’s right, a full-on six more minutes of Pandora goodness for your multi-bucks. You can own the already released DVD, go to the SIX MORE MINUTES! movie, and then go ahead and buy the also rumored special edition DVD or Blu-ray that’s supposed to come out before Christmas.

In short, Avatar will never go away. It’s a big, bright, blue boomerang, and no matter how hard you try to chuck it out of your space, it’s going to come back and smack you in the face. LEARN TO LOVE AVATAR OR BE OSTRACIZED!

Or set your sights on some of the below films coming your way in the next few months. Some will be good, some will be bad, and some will most certainly be in 3-D thanks to AVATAR, THE FILM THAT WILL NOT DIE.

I kid you not. As I was writing the preceding sentence, the UPS guy knocked on my door, Avatar Blu-ray in hand. That spooked the shit out of me.

I’ve listed the films in chronological order by release dates. I’ve also noted a limited release film, which might find its way to Reno when a screen frees up over at the Riverside.

Iron Man 2
(May 7): Will this sequel to the very popular Iron Man make the mistake of stuffing too much into one movie? Scarlett Johansson, Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell have all been stuffed into the cast. That’s a lot of stars to be taking up Tony Stark’s (Robert Downey Jr.) time. I fear Spider-Man 3 syndrome could strike this franchise.

Robin Hood
(May 14): Sorry Ridley Scott, I’m just not too excited about your Robin Hood with Russell Crowe sporting his Gladiator haircut. I actually liked the Kevin Costner version—does that make me lame? Yes, I think it does.

Shrek Forever After
(May 21): This is the fourth and supposedly final adventure for the green ogre. Remember when Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy were cool? I do! Back then, there were jukeboxes with vinyl in them and a cup of coffee was just a cup of coffee. No hazelnut syrup, no whipped milk, just plain old coffee! I’m old.

Sex and the City 2
(May 27): While I liked the TV show, I did not have the best of times with the first movie. The sequel preview shows the girls running around Egypt, with the pyramids and umbrella drinks and whatnot. I’m really starting to hate these idiots.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
(May 28): Jake Gyllenhaal sells out, as well he should. Put that gorgeous frame in a revealing outfit, shake yo ass, and let the CGI impediments come flying at you! Make that money, Jake. You deserve it!

Survival of the Dead
(May 28, limited release): George Romero does the zombie thing again, and if it’s anything like the last time (the pitiful Diary of the Dead) it’ll be another example of a legend embarrassing himself. The man needs a co-writer because, while his zombie attack scenes can still be cool, the stories are moronic.

Get Him to the Greek
(June 4): An offshoot of Forgetting Sarah Marshall that has Russell Brand’s rock star, you know the one that was sporadically funny in a supporting role, on the screen for basically the entire running time. Could be nightmarish.

The A-Team
(June 11): Oh, brother.

The Karate Kid
(June 11): Jackie Chan plays Mr. Miyagi to Jaden Smith’s Ralph Macchio in the 12 hundredth unnecessary remake of the summer. That’s strange, but not stranger than the fact that Macchio was 28 when he last played the title role. He was no damned kid, that’s for sure.

Toy Story 3
(June 18): Woody (Tom Hanks) and Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) are back and in 3-D. I have eternal trust in Pixar, so I’m thinking this will make me smile—and that’s no small task!

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
(June 30): And Satan said unto the studio, “Let there be another sequel!” The studios quickly responded by feeding a hose into the nearest sewer, and channeling it toward an editing bay. The resultant stewing mess made the Dark Lord content—for now! Satan digs tween vampires.

The Last Airbender
(July 2): M. Night Shyamalan’s new child adventure movie will try to convince us that he isn’t the shitty director his last three films have shown him to be.

(July 9): Look, I’m real excited about this Robert Rodriguez-produced reboot of the Rasta Alien franchise, but it costars Laurence Fishburne. If he takes off his shirt and gives a big melodramatic speech before the cast busts into a rave like they did in the Matrix sequel, I’m going to uproot a theater chair and hoist it at the screen.

(July 16): I have to be honest with you: I’m not too sure what this Christopher Nolan-directed, Leonardo DiCaprio-starring sci-fi-thriller is about. But I have seen the preview trailer, and it left a dent in my skull.

(July 23): Angelina Jolie plays a woman with big-assed lips who’s accused of being a Russian spy, so she starts running a lot. Tom Cruise was originally supposed to play the part, but when his big grinning face dropped out they replaced it with Jolie’s big-assed lips, which now appear even bigger than usual because the woman has lost way too much weight. Eat something!

Dinner for Schmucks
(July 23): This remake of a French film stars Paul Rudd as a corporate guy who must partake in his boss’s cruel tradition of having idiot dinner parties. Those of supposedly low intelligence are invited to a party and all the muckety-mucks make fun of them. Steve Carell plays Rudd’s invitee, which gives him an excuse to do something akin to his Brick Tamland character from Anchorman.

The Other Guys
(August 6): Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg star in a buddy cop movie. Hands down, the funniest trailer I’ve seen in a long time. I love when Wahlberg does comedic turns—he’s absolutely hilarious in I Heart Huckabees—and I’m probably the biggest Ferrell fan on planet Earth, so bring it on.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
(August 13): Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) has a new girlfriend (Elizabeth Winstead), and he must fight off her evil ex-boyfriends to maintain their relationship. This is a wacky-as-all-hell looking movie from Edgar Wright, director of Shaun of the Dead.

Eat Pray Love
(August 13): Julia Roberts gets divorced and travels the world so that she can ride elephants and all that crap. I’m not in this film’s target demographic, am I?

The Expendables
(August 13): Sylvester Stallone leads a group of mercenaries on a mission to South America, where a lot of people get blown up real good. I’M IN THIS MOVIE’S PRIMARY DEMOGRAPHIC! OH YES! OH YES I AM! Features a scene with Sly, Bruce Willis and Ahnuld, the President of California.

Piranha 3-D
(August 27): Some piranhas start feeding on bathers in Lake Victoria, and Richard Dreyfuss puts on his Hooper hat again. Yay!