Right Hook’s Guide to partying hearty
“Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor’s noisy party than being there.”
—Franklin P. Jones, U.S. businessman, 1887-1929
Back in the college days, Right Hook was in a fraternity at a Big 10 University that was larger than many cities (the university, not the fraternity.) I spent a year serving as House Steward and Social Director.
At the time, I was simply looking for résumé boosters. What I got was a full-time, hands-on lesson in how to run a 24/7 restaurant and nightclub because the job description was, quite simply, to keep a large group of testosterone-ridden alpha males well fed and with ample opportunities to score with the ladies.
The point here is, when it comes to the science of partying, I’m something of an expert.
I briefly contemplated this fact upon reading a poll in the Reno Gazette-Journal: “Should cities enact ordinances that impose fines on owners of properties that are the sites of rowdy parties requiring special police and medical services?”
It’s a proposal the Reno City Council apparently may be considering next year.
First let’s recognize that, like many liberal ideas, this is idiotic. I know liberals have this insane idea that no one is ever accountable for themselves, but follow me here: Landlords would pass any fines on to their tenants anyway, so why not cut out the middleman and just hold the students/tenants directly accountable for their own actions?
So, in recognition of my expertise and in the interest of a public service, consider the following tips from Right Hook’s “Official Guide to Partying.”
First, if you’re going to have a major bash, it’s a good idea to invite the neighbors. If they don’t want to come, that’s fine, but let them know when you’re starting and when you expect to close it down. (Hint: At least turn the music down by 10 p.m.) Also let neighbors know you’ll be cleaning up any cups, trash or anything else guests have left in their wake as they depart the neighborhood.
Second, designate at least a half-dozen bodies to remain sober for the following purposes:
1. Tending bar. Open bars are easier, but in the end, you’ll never know who’s overindulged until they’re puking on the couch or worse, passed out.
2. Checking IDs and tickets. If you’re into serving underage kids, have bail money ready because cops love sending in decoys. Oh yes, and if you don’t have tickets or invitations printed up, you’re asking for trouble. Open parties are a pain because the extent to which you will have trouble is directly proportional to the degree of separation between the guest and the host. (If you feel the need to invite the masses, expect your crib to get trashed.)
3. Traffic patrol. The same guy checking IDs should tell all the guests who drove that they’d better be parked legally or expect to be ticketed and towed. The corollary is that you should be checking to make sure all the cars on the street are legally parked. If not, have them ticketed and towed. Neighbors tend to get a little irate when one of your guests is blocking their driveway.
4. Designated drivers. Need I say more?
5. Bouncers. Never let a drunk fool turn your bash into a brawl. Eject malcontents and troublemakers immediately. This is eminently easier to do if your posse is larger (and more sober) than his.
Contrary to what the busybodies claim, excessive partying isn’t illegal. How about we keep it that way with a little common sense?