Rated BG

Like the year that preceded it, 2001 was a major slow-starter for cinema. There were few truly great films in the first half, summer was a bust, and then the holiday season got off to a crawl in the form of Harry Pooper and the Sorcerer’s Huge, Magical Barbiturate.

Yet, somehow, I finished the year with a list of 12 films I could truly call great and a host of others that, while not spectacular, pleased me on many levels. Any year that gives me a film like the one I’ve chosen as the year’s best is a year I’m thankful for as a moviegoer.

That’s not to say 2001 didn’t have its share of mediocrity. I’ve managed to drum up 10 films worse than Sylvester Stallone’s Driven and Corky Romano. Did you hear me? More than 10 films were worse than Corky Romano! More than 30 were worse than Joe Dirt! We’ll go one step further with this illustrative writing gimmick and point out that there were upwards of 50 worse than Freddy Got Fingered. (I don’t care what the majority says, Tom Green swinging that baby by its umbilical cord was funny!)

2001 will be remembered as the year that films managed to baffle with complex, layered puzzle screenplays that left you still trying to figure out just where the dreams started in Mulholland Drive and Vanilla Sky, contemplating if the dude in Waking Life was dead or just sleeping, and creeping out over just how sick Guy Pearce was in Memento. It was good to see people like David Lynch and Cameron Crowe direct movies that took a chance in believing that audiences were willing to work a bit to uncover messages and themes.

The following lists of favorites and films that were smelly comes to you without my seeing, by press time, such critical darlings as Monster’s Ball or Black Hawk Down. Even so, these 10 films received my highest rating.

1. The Lord of the Rings:The Fellowship of the Ring: The best film of the year and proud owner of instant classic status. Director Peter Jackson treated the first film in a planned trilogy based on J. R. R. Tolkien’s classic works with the loving care of a true fan, coupled with the massive creative inspiration of a great director. One of the finest literary adaptations of all time, it’s a film that grows better with every passing minute. Creatively miles ahead of other 2001 blockbusters such as Harry Potter and Planet of the Apes.

2. Mulholland Drive: David Lynch, already a master of dream logic and freaky moviemaking, tops himself with this astonishing puzzler of a movie that makes me dizzy thinking about it. Naomi Watts, who plays a struggling actress capable of mighty wicked dreams, deserves an Oscar nomination. This was supposed to be a TV series, and it’s a great thing that ABC screwed Lynch, because things just wouldn’t have been this nasty on the boob tube.

3. A.I.: Artificial Intelligence: I think Kubrick himself couldn’t have done a better job bringing his story idea to the big screen, and I don’t understand how Steven Spielberg’s excellent work got pegged as shallow and happy or, even stranger, a “shambles.” This was one of the year’s more disturbing pictures—that was not a happy ending!—and it is also one of the year’s best-looking. Haley Joel Osment is not getting deserved recognition for his remarkable performance as David, the android boy programmed to love his owner. This will be considered a classic years from now.

4. Moulin Rouge: Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman blew my ass out the back of my chair with their far better than expected singing and dancing in this sweetheart of a movie. Yes, the editing style is a bit frantic, but the look and feel of this film are a total trip. McGregor and Kidman’s rooftop medley of love songs got one of the greater emotional responses out of me at the movies this past year, and I’m a grouch.

5. Memento: This year was killer for films that had you sitting in the theater wondering, “What the fuck is going on?” In another great puzzle movie, Guy Pearce is electrifying as a person with no long-term memory trying to piece together the mystery of his wife’s murder. A 100 percent original achievement.

6. The Man Who Wasn’t There: The Coens can do no wrong, and this film noir featuring Billy Bob Thornton as a dejected barber caught up in a blackmail scheme is just one more example of the brothers taking a genre and turning it inside out. Great supporting work from Frances McDormand, James Gandolfini and Tony Shalhoub.

7. In the Bedroom: Easily the year’s most emotionally devastating film. Tom Wilkinson and Sissy Spacek struggle with personal tragedy and discover the hostilities and resentments bubbling under the surface after years of hidden feelings. Marisa Tomei and Nick Stahl are excellent as a pair of lovers doomed by an extremely unfortunate circumstance. This movie hit me hard.

8. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: Hands down the funniest movie of the year, and one of the funniest I have ever seen. Kevin Smith concocts the ultimate slob comedy in the great tradition of Animal House and Caddyshack, with a barn-burning performance by buddy Jason Mewes as pothead Jay. Please, oh please, don’t let this be the last Jay and Silent Bob film.

9. The Royal Tenenbaums: One of the year’s greatest casts gets a chance to be very funny and strange in Wes Anderson’s third film, co-written with pal and actor Owen Wilson. Gene Hackman is receiving much-deserved accolades for his turn as a somehow likable cad, and Owen Wilson gets to do some of his best acting work since breaking through with Anderson’s first, Bottle Rocket, in 1996. Great performances from Anjelica Huston, Ben Stiller, Gwyneth Paltrow and Owen’s brother Luke. The year’s second-funniest film.

10. Amelie: Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s quirky film about a woman trying to bestow happiness upon strangers and loved ones is a visual masterpiece and the year’s best romantic comedy. Audrey Tautou, a woman in possession of awe-inspiring eyes, delivers one of the year’s great breakthrough performances.

Ah, hell … I’m in a good mood and I’ve got some extra space this year. Grab your cigars and your freaking bowling bag—we’re going to 20!

11. Shrek: A cute and twisted story of an ogre with a woody for Cameron Diaz (actually, this could’ve been my bio), it takes animation to yet another high. Takes some nice swipes at Disney.

12. The Road Home: One of the year’s simpler pleasures. Zhang Ziyi of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is so enchanting it’s painful in this adorable film about a romance in 1950s China. I thought her work was worthy of Oscar nomination but, strangely, I’m not seeing this one popping up on any top-10 lists. See it on DVD; it’s a heartbreaker.

13. Jeepers Creepers: Nothing has served up unrelenting horror like this in years, a throwback to pure evil cinema like Romero’s Dawn of the Dead and Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This was a film that set out to be nasty and stayed the course with its story of two kids who drive by the wrong house at the wrong time. The first half of this movie qualifies it as a horror classic, and the second half, while not as effective, is still better than any horror picture of recent memory.

14. A Beautiful Mind: Russell Crowe didn’t deserve the Oscar last year, but I consider him a front-runner for 2001 after his portrayal of Nobel Prize winner John Nash, a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. This film features some of the best directing of Ron Howard’s career and a performance by Crowe that will astound you. Say what you want about the sappy ending, the film that precedes it is breathtaking.

15. Ghost World: Thora Birch and Steve Buscemi delight in this big-screen adaptation of the cult graphic novel, with Buscemi doing his best acting since Fargo as a sensitive-loner type.

16. Vanilla Sky: Cameron Crowe reteamed with Tom Cruise for this captivating, scathing blast in the face of the typical Alpha Male butthole type. Many critics scoffed at this one, but I think it was one of the great brain twisters of 2001, along with the likes of Mulholland Drive and Memento. Cruise puts forth typically excellent acting work.

17. The Devil’s Backbone: Director Guillermo Del Toro, responsible for the nasty subway bug movie Mimic, adds another scary one to the horror genre with this ghost story set in the final days of the Spanish Civil War. The ghost at the center of this story is a visual you will never forget, and Del Toro is a master of terror and atmosphere. This has not had a Reno release yet.

18. Training Day: Denzel Washington might rack up another Oscar nomination for his vicious turn as a rogue cop in this sometimes inconsistent story made very worthwhile by his amazing performance.

19. Hedwig and the Angry Inch: The second great musical of the year and up there with Pink Floyd’s The Wall as one of cinema’s greatest rock movies. John Cameron Mitchell directs and stars as Hedwig, the transsexual rock goddess with the flip hair and a mean voice. Great songs, good story and a spectacular performance by Mitchell.

20. The Others: This year, Kidman should get an Oscar nomination. With excellent work here in this gothic haunted house story, she actually has a shot with two films (Moulin Rouge being the other). She’ll probably cancel herself out, but it still was a banner year for the lady.

As for disappointments, there were many. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was a flat film in the hands of an unreliable director. Pearl Harbor combined excellent war footage with the year’s worst love story, and Planet of the Apes, while OK, stands as one of the great Tim Burton’s least successful films. Another great director, Ridley Scott, wasted our time with the silly Hannibal, a film that was far too faithful to the lousy novel it was based on.

For me, the greatest disappointments came in the form of Zoolander and Shallow Hal, where my two absolute favorite comedic actors (Ben Stiller and Jack Black) found themselves slumming in vehicles not worthy of their talents. Stiller made up for his lame boy-model debacle nicely with The Royal Tenenbaums, and Black has started out the year on a promising note with his scene stealing in the so-so Orange County.

While these films brought me down, the following list brought me severe physical distress.

1. Glitter: Why do they do this to us? Why? We pay the big ticket prices, we shell out for the $78 popcorn, and we smile pleasantly when the film breaks two hours and 50 minutes into a three-hour movie. Why Mariah Carey? Why? Why let her act? Trying to forget Mariah in that stupid cap with the braids trying to look 15, singing like a possum with its foot stuck in a sewer drain. Carey … go away … you go away!

2. The Anniversary Party: This film, directed by first-timers Alan Cumming and Jennifer Jason Leigh, hurt me deep down in my soul, doing semi-permanent damage to my medulla oblongata. Two actors get their pals, including Gwyneth Paltrow and Phoebe Cates, together for tiresome improv, a major experiment in “Oh, please dig us, for we are actors!” horror. I loved Cumming in Spy Kids, but he delivered one of the year’s worst performances here, and he can’t direct for squat.

3. Lara Croft:Tomb Raider: The worst in the bunch of mediocre-to-absolutely abysmal intended summer blockbusters, this one featured a lethargic Angelina Jolie showing off her butt a lot and talking with a snobby, monotonous English accent. Jolie was so sleepy in this film that she didn’t seem as if she were raiding tombs at all, but actually planning to reside in one at any minute.

4. Bandits: Angelina’s hubby Billy Bob, so freakishly good in The Man Who Wasn’t There, made an ass of himself in this misguided, unfunny action-comedy co-starring Bruce Willis. Barry Levinson lets his actors go off on embarrassing tangents, and Thornton allows us to see his worst tendencies as an actor. After Armageddon, this represents a new low for Thornton and Willis.

5. Behind Enemy Lines: If Owen Wilson’s contract for this film required him to do lots of running with a highly concerned look upon his face, then he should consider himself a man of his word. He should also consider never doing another action movie again. After Armageddon, this represents a new low for Wilson.

6. K-PAX: Kevin Spacey masticated far too many fruits with his mouth wide open in this sappy, lousy rip-off of damned near every film ever made. Seriously, I think this movie is a sloppy mélange of every movie ever made, containing not one single original idea in its running time. Well, except for Spacey eating a banana with his mouth wide open. I had never seen that before. God willing, I will never see that again.

7. Black Knight: Blue Streak, Big Momma’s House and Black Knight … Martin Lawrence is officially an actor that we cannot count on for anything other than poisonous dreck. I hate his movies, I hate the thought that he is continuing to make movies, and I hate the notion that those movies he’s making will eventually end up within mere yards of my defenseless eyes and ears.

8. Swordfish: I admit it. One of the reasons I hated this film was John Travolta’s Vincent Vega hairstyle combined with the soul patch. You see, he’s as bad as his Pulp Fiction character, but he’s a little different due to the villainous soul patch. A little hair under the lip—presto, new villain. Couldn’t enjoy the sight of Halle Berry’s breasts ‘cause I was stewing over the soul patch. I’m a lonely, sad man.

9. 15 Minutes: Supposed to be an indictment of blood-sucking media but ends up being an example of how to embarrass and waste Robert De Niro. Stupid-assed, stupid movie.

10. Saving Silverman: How can you put Jack Black and Neil Diamond in your movie and screw up? Easy: Make Jason Biggs your lead and reduce Black to “Overweight Kooky Sidekick” role. The damn role would’ve been insulting to Chris Farley, let alone the funniest man on Earth.

As for 2002, it will bring you blockbusters such as the next Star Wars, part two of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Spider-Man and Men in Black 2. The film that generates the most excitement for me is Run, Ronnie, Run: A Mr. Show Movie, currently screening at the Sundance Film Festival and destined to make you laugh your kneecaps through your nose.

Keep patronizing those art films so we keep getting them and, more importantly, turn your damn cellular phones to silent mode in the movie theaters.