In three acts:

I. In the midst of the brouhaha triggered last week in those raids on local McDonald’ses that resulted in 54 “undocumenteds” getting busted by the feds, a number of interesting quotes were unleashed. One that caught my eye was from a Sparks man who asked rhetorically, “If your family is starving, and you can go someplace illegally and earn in a month what you’d normally earn in a year, are you going to go?” To which one might respond, “Hey, Amigo. If your financial situation is such that you could earn more bread working at an American McDonald’s in a month than you could doing whatever in Mexico for a year, well, what the hell are you doing having a family?”

II. One thing that I’m truly tired of seeing on TV or in movies is the physical act of love begun and concluded in a 20- to 30-second time span. I mean, really, how many times have you seen these fiercely urgent scenes played out, where the man and woman feverishly consent to get it on, breathlessly get each other bottomless (or the dude just takes advantage of the interesting fact that actresses always seem to be wearing crotchless panties), and then proceed to give us an extremely thrusty display of the “wham bam thank you ma’am” school of lovin’, resulting in his massive, groan-laced satisfaction after but a few crazed pumps. Invariably, the female who has just participated in this painfully brief spasm of lust will have a look on her face that says, “Wow! You’re amazing.” Uh-huh, right! Most of us know, Mr. Director, that she’s fully prepared to strangle the bastard with the ultra-sexy fishnet stockings that he didn’t bother to take off. The reality is that what we’ve just been treated to is an extremely glamorous onscreen depiction of a perniciously widespread sexual problem. Premature omigodbabyomigod just doesn’t get any prettier than this, and just because the actors involved are both complete knockouts doesn’t explain, resolve or justify this undeniable fact. And I can’t help but wonder how many young men and women see these unbearably swift humpings (uh, Brad, could you get it done in 8 strokes? Yeah, I think if you go 10 or 12 it’s just gonna slow down the film) and think to themselves, “Oh, so that’s what it’s all about. Fast. Urgent. Breathless. He gets the orgasm. She’s just along for the ride. Got it.”

III. And then, there’s this: Fox recently broadcasted the Emmys. Sally Field had something to say when she accepted her award for Best Actress in a Drama, making a reference to “goddamned wars.” She got bleeped! Just want to say thank you, Fox, for protecting us from the views of this godless Hollywood liberal, who would dare to snort forth an opinion held by a mere 70 percent of her countrymen. In the meantime, let the sexual leerings, latherings and slatherings ooze endlessly from the Great Glass Teat!