Pump up the volume

I won’t say they’re not trying. I know they’re trying. I see them hustling about, helping folks find little tiny screws and staples and bulbs in that great big box of a store. But in the end, it always comes down to the checkout. And in the perpetually tortured case of The Home Depot, has there ever been an occasion when you’ve seen too many checkers workin’ those registers?

Lots of interesting testimonials in circulation concerning the memory enhancing properties of the herb gingko biloba. Now, if I could just remember to buy some…

In Denver, some folks are prepping to protest an upcoming Marilyn Manson concert. They still hold it against the band that the two murderous cretins of Columbine were purportedly fans. Such thinking by these goth-fearing Coloradans gives one pause to wonder why San Franciscans didn’t boycott Hostess Products en masse after mayor-murdering Dan White beat the death penalty using his infamous “Twinkie Defense.” Speaking of Manson, it’s easy to imagine the brutish killer in Fargo listening to an M.M. disc while doing his woodchipping chores. At least, it was easy to imagine while the dental hygienist was scraping plaque off my teeth.

Let’s say your name is Mr. California, and you really like eating the cheeseburgers at the Energy Café. In fact, you’ve been eating them every day for years, at $5 a burger. One day, ravenous as usual, you drop by, only to be informed by the waitress that the price has gone up. In fact, it’s gone way up. You ask, “How much up?”

“It’s now $40.”

Water shoots out of your nose with booger-dislodging velocity.

“What!!!!????,” you sputter. “Did you say FORTY dollars?”

“I’m afraid so, sir.”

You’re stunned and outraged. But now, the ball is in your court. You’re the customer, after all. What do you do, Mr. California?

No one should be surprised, I suppose, that you’ve continued to show up every day and pay the going rate for your burger. And now, you want to borrow money to carry on.

Good to see The Gang of 63 in Carson have passed a bill dealing with the volume of a guy’s car stereo. I love the way our legislators never shy away from tackling the tough issues of the day head-on. And in D.C., there’s now a bill that would prohibit phone use in cars.

Why stop with volume and cell phone laws? In the name of traffic safety, we might as well legislate all auto wrecks out of existence by outlawing the following: (1) futzing with the CD player while driving (which causes more accidents than cell phones), (2) putting taco sauce on a taco while driving, (3) operation of electric or gas-powered nose hair trimmer while driving, and (4) application of lice medicine while driving.

Please hold… bulletin arriving…

Governor Guinn, in a bold move that has struck fear and dread into the hearts of audio fascists everywhere, has vetoed The Irritating Car Stereo Volume Act.

No further paranoia is necessary… FOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!