Old Acquaintance be forgot
Goodbye, lackluster blockbusters of 2016! Here's hoping 2017's movies are 50 shades brighter.
2017 has to be a better year for blockbusters, right? Will we return to eating popcorn with glee rather than having it nestle on our tongues while our jaws hang open in total disgust and disbelief? I think that bags of popcorn lasted a lot longer in 2016, more than any other year. Theater managers were all, like, “Why isn't anybody getting refills? Did you over-salt the popcorn again, Jacquie? You're fired!”
Here's a list of some upcoming movies. Many of the smaller, more artsy films don't have release dates yet. It's a very busy year, and I didn't have room for some big ones, but this is a good sampling. Well, I guess you can be the judge of that.
Split (Jan. 20)
James McAvoy and Anya Taylor-Joy star in a new split-personality thriller from M. Night Shyamalan. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m kind of looking forward to this one.
XXX: Return of Xander Cage (Jan. 20)
Vin Diesel returns to the franchise he started, or at least his stunt men do. It’s triple X-rated, apparently. Naughty!
Fifty Shades Darker (Feb. 10)
Guys, go see this one with your partner on Valentine’s Day, and then use it as leverage to see the next one on this list.
John Wick: Chapter 2 (Feb. 10)
Yeah, man! Keanu kicking ass is a solid antidote for having to sit through all that lubby-dubby, bondage bullshit. I hope this is as good as the first one. Don’t want to see Keanu getting caught up in something shoddy, like Charles Bronson did with the whole Death Wish thing.
A Cure for Wellness (Feb. 17)
This is some weird-assed movie from Gore Verbinski involving horrific goings-on at a wellness center. Perhaps somebody took a dump in an isolation tank? Looks a little like Altered States meets Apocalypse Now. Wait, this suddenly became a very cool prospect, minus the tank dump thing.
The Great Wall (Feb. 17)
Looks like Matt Damon is going to China and doing the whole Legolas/Hawkeye routine for director Zhang Yimou. This can’t be good, right?
Logan (March 3)
This is Hugh Jackman’s supposed swan song as Wolverine, and it’s apparently shooting for an R rating after the success of Deadpool.
T2: Trainspotting (March 3)
Danny Boyle returns with most of his cast for the second Trainspotting chapter, 21 years after the original. Is creepy ceiling baby coming back, too?
Kong: Skull Island (March 10)
Legendary rebooted Godzilla with major success, so now they intend to do the same for Kong, even making him a lot larger in stature so that he can battle Godzilla in a future movie. Geek-gasm.
Beauty and the Beast (March 17)
Will Disney take the remake machine a little too far with this one? Come on, they’re singing the same songs and wearing the same clothes! I thought Emma Watson was taking a long break.
CHIPS (March 17)
Yes, the motorcycle cop TV show is getting a movie. I still remember how traumatized I was after Erik Estrada got in a real motorcycle accident back when the TV show originally aired in the ’70s. I was a sad, lonely child.
Life (March 24)
A bunch of space travelers—including Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson and Ryan Reynolds—discover extraterrestrial life. As is often the case in alien movies, the extraterrestrial life form turns out to be a major asshole.
Ghost in the Shell (March 31)
Scarlett Johansson doing the cyborg thang.
Fast & Furious 8 (April 12)
Charlize Theron joins Vin Diesel in another franchise he started. Vin Diesel is such a dickweed.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (May 5)
Oh wait, Vin Diesel is Groot. He’s not a total dickweed, just partial.
Snatched (May 12)
Amy Schumer in a comedy with Goldie Hawn. Goldie has not been in a movie in 15 years.
Alien: Covenant (May 19)
When Ridley Scott put the temporary kibosh on Alien 5, Neil Blompkamp’s attempt to restart the Ripley saga, I was a little worried. Having seen the gory trailer for Scott’s Prometheus sequel/Alien prequel, I have ceased to worry.
Baywatch (May 26)
Another movie remake of a lousy TV show. When are we getting a Happy Days or Little House on the Prairie movie? You just know somebody is going to remake Bonanza.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (May 26)
Johnny Depp is a dirty pirate whore!
Wonder Woman (June 2)
DC tries to get back on the good foot, but my hopes are not high.
The Mummy (June 9)
Tom Cruise runs and runs and runs and runs …
Cars 3 (june 16)
The first Cars was OK, and the second one was total garbage. Pixar slums for another year with yet another sequel. The ride at Disneyland is super badass, though.
The Beguiled (June 30)
Sofia Coppola returns. That is all.
Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23)
Michael Bay directs, and this should end his streak at two decent films in a row—Pain & Gain and 13 Hrs.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7)
Tom Holland is a great actor and a fine acrobat, two factors that should make him a fun and appealing Spidey.
War for the Planet of the Apes (July 14)
Apes continue to inexplicably take over Earth from humans in this undeniably entertaining film series but, still, we have a lot of shit that will blow up marauding apes real good. Seems a little implausible.
Dunkirk (July 21)
Christopher Nolan World War II epic. Yes, please.
The Dark Tower (July 28)
This should/could be a big year for Stephen King. After a lot of starts and stops, the saga of Roland the gunslinger finally makes it to the screen, to be followed soon thereafter by a much hyped remake. See next blurb.
It (Sept. 8)
Pennywise finally gets a big-screen budget. If they make this PG-13, I’ll be pissed.
Blade Runner 2049 (Oct. 6)
This sequel, sans Ridley Scott, costars Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford. I’m betting Ford acts craggy in it. Not a dig on Ford. He makes craggy cool.
My Little Pony: The Movie (Oct. 10)
Hell yeah, now we’re getting somewhere!
Saw: Legacy (Oct. 27)
My worst news about the 2017 movie year thus far. Mother of Christ, I really wanted these films to go away.
Thor: Ragnarok (Nov. 3)
This one promises a Hulk fix. Honestly, they should call it Hulk … and that Hammer Guy, Too, but Who Cares? Hulk!!!
Justice League (Nov. 17)
Up until this point, the year looks to have a lot of fun and promise, but this cinematic pothole exists right before Turkey Day. Zack Snyder is a clueless, lost man in the DC universe.
Murder on the Orient Express (Nov. 22)
Johnny Depp shows up in this remake. He’s a dirty pirate whore!
Star Wars: Episode VIII (Dec. 15)
Will this be the last we see of Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia? As Rogue One proved, she can be in a movie without actually doing anything. Carrie Fisher being gone is so weird.
Jumanji (Dec. 22)
Oh, look, it’s another remake. And, oh look, Dwayne Johnson is in this one, too.
Pitch Perfect 3 (Dec. 22)
If anything, you have this to look forward to come Christmastime. That, along with your yearly case of the flu because you didn’t get the damn shot, you knucklehead. The barfing flu has to be better than these movies. Ω