Oceans

Man, the ocean is full of some crazy shit, and I can’t believe I used to swim in that thing when I was a teenager. The latest from Disney Nature films is an exploration of the world’s oceanic bodies, and let me tell you, some of the creatures in there are ugly as sin. Christ, did you know that there’s a fish that looks like John Merrick, a.k.a. the Elephant Man, and another one that looks like Edward G. Robinson? At one point, some dude swims next to a great white shark as Pierce Brosnan narrates about how great a swimming partner they can be, and how their ugly face could be hiding a smile. (Yeah, a smile that says, “Bump into me one more time and your serrated face will become intimate friends with my belly!”) Some nice footage of a blue whale and cute otters, but not nearly enough, which had me thinking they should’ve just filmed those two species and called this “Blue Whales and Otters are Go!” because they kick ass. All in all, it’s a pretty enjoyable theatrical experience until that stupid little bastard Joe Jonas’ warbling, nightmarish vocals show up to sing a song over the credits. Damn it, I hate that little asshole!