Monstrous and terrifying

When I was a kid, Pippi Longstocking movies gave me nightmares. Not the American remake, but the original Swedish productions with the horrendous dub jobs. I still have bad remembrances of that satanic, freckle-faced kid’s mouth jabbering away, and that discordant American voice coming out of it. Pippi Longstocking scared me more than Darth Vader and Jaws combined.

Italian director Roberto Benigni’s new live-action Pinocchio makes Pippi look like Judy Garland’s adorable Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. It’s a movie delivered to us straight from the devil’s ass, quite possibly the worst movie-going experience in all of my 34 years.

The horrendous visual of the 50-year-old Benigni playing the famed boy puppet is painful stuff. His stupid hat, pounds of pancake makeup and ugly puppet suit make him look like some unearthly mutation of a Red Skelton clown painting. In addition to this vicious invasion on the eyes are the indescribably wretched sounds that attack the ears during its running time.

Because they clearly wanted children to attend screenings of a children’s movie, Miramax Films opted to dub over the actors’ voices, rather than forcing little tykes to read English subtitles. Pinocchio is not a cartoon; these are live actors, and recognizable voice work is unsettling and creepy. Rather than inhabiting the roles, the voices result in a sort of unholy possession.

The voice they have chosen for Benigni is that of Breckin Meyer, the young, high-pitched star of Road Trip and Clueless. Meyer, along with Benigni, shares 2002’s Worst Actor award. The dub sounds like Meyer sat in the edit room, was allowed one take, and purposely set out to sound as annoying and acerbic as possible. The combination of his whiny voice and Benigni’s unabashed mugging had me both averting my eyes and covering my ears. I was like one of those frightened children in a vintage “duck and cover” atomic-war educational film.

Meyer sounds nothing like the bellowing Benigni. As I watched Benigni start to jump around, yelling “Yippee! Hurray!” with Meyer’s voice, I just couldn’t believe what was being presented. It’s foul on every level.

Why the hell would you pick recognizable actors’ voices to replace recognizable actors? What could be more distracting then hearing Meyer emerging from Benigni, or Glenn Close coming out of the Blue Fairy (Nicoletta Braschi from Life is Beautiful)? Other voices include John Cleese as the cricket and Jim Belushi and Queen Latifah in roles that might cost more than a few agents their jobs.

It is my honest opinion that Pinocchio will not mesmerize your children. It will freak them out. It’s not just that there is a little boy’s voice coming out of a strange-looking older guy’s mouth; it’s the odd darkness that Benigni attempts to convey. There are disturbing images of Benigni hanging from a tree, slouched in a corner like a dead man, and struggling on a nail moments before a giant attempts to eat him. Heck, this movie will probably disturb the shit out of parents as well.

I like Benigni. I could’ve handled him as Gepetto, or a wily duck, or something, anything other than Pinocchio in this movie. This is a casting blunder that stands right alongside Coppola putting his daughter in The Godfather Part III.

Speaking of Coppola, his own plans for a Pinocchio movie died during the last couple of years. Coppola can misfire from time to time (Robin Williams in Jack comes to mind) but odds are his take on the wooden boy would’ve been enchanting rather than monstrous and terrifying. Pinocchio garners Benigni the dubious distinction of having directed one of the worst movies ever unleashed upon an unsuspecting public. Parents, keep your children far, far away.