McQueen cracks down

April Fools! The stories in this week’s feature package contain satire, exaggeration and outright misinformation … or do they?

McQueen High School principal Amy Marable today suspended a student for expressing anger at fate while hospitalized at St. Mary’s Hospital.

“Why is this fucking happening to me?” said student Luther Christiansen Theodore Cleaver while being rolled into surgery for an appendectomy yesterday. Marable heard about the outcry from the boy’s mother, who called McQueen to explain why he was not in school.

Marable gave the student a three-day suspension, which when linked to the upcoming weekend means the boy could be back in school as early as fucking Monday.

“The student’s comment was made during school hours, and so is actionable under the new Noah Christiansen rule, which allows me to penalize students for things they say out of school,” Marable said.

Noah Christiansen is a student who was marked tardy for being out of school in a political protest on March 14—and then was suspended for vulgar language in a telephone call to his U.S. House member’s office during the period of tardiness.

“We have been empowered to penalize students for their conduct outside the school environment,” Marable said, explaining why she has also suspended a student who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge on Sunday. “This gives us the latitude we need to vent our frustrations with these kids.”