Lump sums

“President” Trump announced yesterday he would start paying federal employees in coal.

“Bitcoin’s going nowhere, Stablecoin’s dragged down by Facebook’s reputation, and Brownie Points are just sad,” the “president” told a convention of Trekkies Wednesday. “It’s time to try a lump sum.”

West Virginians were delirious over the news.

Coal paid out will be stamped, “This lump is legal tender for all debts public and private.

It will also feature photos of leading citizens chosen by the “president”—Roy Moore, Laura Ingraham and David Duke among them. Asked if John McCain would be among them, the “president” could not quite place the name.

Commemorative lumps will also be issued for collectors, and will feature the nation’s founding prostitutes, predators and real estate moguls who repeatedly filed for bankruptcy.