List be not proud

Readers must surely appreciate that things can get a little serious, a little overwrought, here at the Reno News & Review. Sure we like to bite off a meaty chunk of thumbsucking issue every once in a while, spend some time tugging our forelocks, as much as the next pundits, but—jeez. Gluten intolerance? Newt, Mitt, Santorum? Caucuses and Fascism?

Sometimes we just need to chill.

Foods I can no longer enjoy primarily due to RN&R influence

Carbohydrates

Elmer’s Glue-All

Processed carbs

Processed meats

Dairy products

Feedlot beef and swine

Factory chickens

Prepared packaged foods

Human fetuses

Anything from McDonald’s

Websites on which I spend too much time arguing with people

Reddit

Facebook

TreeHugger

ArsTechnica

Gizmodo

The first apps I removed from my Droid 2 Global when I rooted it

Amazon

Blockbuster

City ID

Skype

VZ Navigator

My Verizon

3G Hotspot

Things I hate about politics

The faux issue of the day

The faux solution of the day

Politicians

The two-party system

Re ported victories for the people that are actually victories for the banks

Closed caucuses

Wind-testing bloviators

People who vote against their self-interest

War

Lies and liars

Voter apathy

Countdown of my 10 most enjoyable meals of 2012 so far

10. Dinner at Great Basin Brewing Co.

9. Lunch at Mi Ranchito

8. Lunch at Citrus Club Noodle House in San Francisco

7. Birthday dinner for my brother, Cameron, at Palais de Jade

6. Lunch at Michael’s Deli

5. Dinner of my wife’s homemade kale-and-lentil winter soup

4. Lunch at Kokopelli’s Sushi

3. Birthday dinner for my friend Michelle at Campo

2. Breakfast at La Torta Gorda in San Francisco

1. Dinner at 168 Café Chinese Food

Five Brad Bynum doppelgooglers

A dentist in Valdosta, Ga.

The chief financial officer of an oil company in Houston, Tex.

A proud parent in Charlotte, N.C.

A martial arts enthusiast in Spring, Tex.

A minister, and eponymous uncle, in Destin, Fla.

Things to think about when doing cardio on the elliptical trainer

Sex

15 most played songs on my iPod

1. “Play with Fire,” The Rolling Stones

2. “ Congratulations,” The Rolling Stones

3. “Shadowboxin’,” GZA

4. “15 Steps,” Radiohead

5. “ Heart of Stone,” The Rolling Stones

6. “ Ain’t Too Proud to Beg,” The Temptations

7. “Alone Again Or,” Love

8. “ Summer Babe (Winter Version),” Pavement

9. “Reckoner,” Radiohead

10. “White Rune,” Iceage

11. “ Shame on a Nigga,” Wu-Tang Clan

12. “4th Chamber,” GZA

13. “ Time is on my Side,” The Rolling Stones

14. “Bo Diddley,” Bo Diddley

15. “Nude,” Radiohead

12 available band names

Fat Jaywalkers

Them Elves

A Special Kind of Hug

Smoking Hot Wives

Dry Nurse

The Ultra Maroons

The Steve Miller Band U.K.

The Bung Hunglers

Handsome Children

Google (band)

Br ad Bynum’s Sexy Massage Parlour and Rock ’n’ Roll Emporium

You People

People in the market for tattoo removal

Dawn Gibbons (“Big Jim”)

Dick Gammick (“Tokers rule”)

Geno Martini (“Who needs sales taxes?”)

Guy Rocha (“Mark Twain slept at the Ormsby House”)

Jim Gibbons (“Pandering is my God”)

Amazon.com’s recommendations based on my past purchases

Duct tape

The Herbal Alchemist’s Handbook

Gas mask

Gator machete

Best Practices in Environmental Journalism

Potassium iodine tablets

Preacher Vol. 1

Emergency thermal blankets

Fedora for Beginners

Gaming headset

Star Trek cufflinks

The ABCs of Erotica – A is for Anal

Google Trends Hot Searches, Feb. 10, 2012, 3 p.m.

1. kevin youkilis

2. cpac

3. kim jong un

4. tesla model x

5. jeremy lin

6. safe house

7. the vow

8. jenny mccarthy

9. woolly mammoth

10. chocolate covered strawberries

11. droid 4

12. westminster dog show

13. josh powell

14. pebble beach

15. luol deng

16. attwireless

17. wheres my refund

18. channing tatum

19. george washington carver

20. chicago weather

Majors I declared in college before switching to English

Atmospheric science

Chemistry

Theatre

Information systems

Women’s studies

22 anagrams of Washoe, none of which mean much of anything:

A HE SOW

A WHOSE

A SHE OW

A HEW SO

A SEW HO

A SEW OH

SAW HOE

SHEA OW

SEA HOW

SEA WHO

AH WE SO

HA WE SO

HAS WOE

OSHA WE

HAS OWE

ASH OWE

ASH WOE

AS HE OW

AS HOWE

AS WE HO

AS WE OH

WAS HOE

Five weapons I’d want to have during an apocalypse

Pocket knife

Bow

Crowbar

AKM

Rocket launcher (depending on the apocalypse)

Strokes of genius

Selling off the county hospital to a private company to improve service

Lowering the railroad tracks to usher in a new era of casino prosperity

Shifting state government from reliance on the property tax to the sales tax for some reason no one can now remember

List Issues

Feb. 1, 2007, “The List Issue”

Oct. 29, 2009, “The Return of the List”

If I were king

Baseball caps are outlawed

Driving in the passing lane while not passing is a capital crime

The word “that” is stricken from the English language

Restaurants in desert states may not serve water unless asked (unprompted) by customers

Republican leaders may no longer be drawn from the cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Democratic leaders may no longer be drawn from the ranks of the On-the-other-hand Club.

Reporters who produce stories speculating on how long the Legislature will be in session will be disemboweled

PBS cannot run one program on British royalty until it first runs ten programs on the British workers who must pay for the royals.

The semicolon is abolished.