Letters for December 5, 2019


Revelations tells us the beast will rule for 1,260 days. The little calculator shows that from inauguration day to the end of 42 months is the Fourth of July 2020. Oops … Put on those Cosmic conspiracy caps kids!

Craig Bergland


Fake letter

Dear Nancy, I know this is going to break your heart, but I have decided to resign as the President of the U.S. You and your fellow Democrats and their picky committees have worn me down with their insistence on honoring those silly constitutional statutes dealing with abuse of power, obstruction of justice, and foreign interference in elections, and probable violation of the emoluments rule. (HA!). So, I want to make you a deal. I will leave the White House quietly, if you stop all of the investigations of me and my family, freeze all subpoenas requiring my income tax returns, cease saying all those nasty things about me and Vladimir Putin, and, finally, please, no jail time for me. Please remember that I am a very smart genius, although my supporters have not fully confirmed my own observation. I did make a little mistake of withholding 400 million dollars from Ukraine to support their military defense against Russia. But, President Zelensky wouldn't do a favor for me and say that his administration was investigating sleepy, old Joe Biden. I was really disappointed to be let down by the “loop,” which included Secretary of Defense Mike Pompeo, Ambassador to the EU Gordon Sondland, Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, Energy Secretary Rick Perry and my personal attorney Rudy Giuliani. They should have alerted me that it is illegal to bribe foreign leaders. It is so contrary to my life long mission to wipe out corruption wherever I find it. I am just tired of having to put up with the media reporting things like me telling over 13,435 lies during my presidency (Washington Post, Oct. 9, 2019) and failing to note my many accomplishments. What about my decision to lock refugees' babies in cages, battering the U.S. agricultural economy through my trade policies, building at least 25 miles of my border wall by diverting military funds because Congress won't fund it, supporting the gun lobby to prevent any type of gun control legislation, carving up the national parks, denying climate change and promoting a devastating anti-science culture, and, finally, withdrawing from treaties that have been mutually beneficial for us and our allies? America can stand alone just like me. The fake news organizations blame me for everything. It's also not my fault that most of my inner circle, whom I hardly know, have had so many legal problems; namely, national security advisor Michael Flynn, campaign manager Paul Manafort, advisor Rick Gates, my long time lawyer Michael Cohen, and my ole bud Roger Stone, who have collectively been convicted for lying to the FBI and Congress, tax fraud, campaign violations, money laundering, etc. Then to top it off, Giuliani's associates Lev and Igor go out and get arrested for making illegal campaign contributions. None of this would have happened if that crazy Robert Mueller hadn't indicted over 34 people because of his investigations. Why do all of these people who have worked for me get into trouble with the law? But the final straw that put me over the edge was when Marie Yovanovitch didn't put up my portrait in the American embassy in Ukraine. She had no idea of my sense of entitlement, so I got rid of her. I should have fired the rest of them when I had a chance: Acting Ambassador William Taylor, Deputy Assistant Secretary of European affairs George Kent, Ambassador Fiona Hill (I can't tolerate uppity Ph.D.'s, especially women, who don't know their place), Lt. Col. Vindman (decorated war veteran who played his immigrant status to the hilt), and that noisy David Holmes, American diplomat, who overheard my telephone conversations. They all spout that nonsense about the rule of law and protecting national interests that prevent me from wheeling and dealing, which I have to do to satisfy my political base as well as those naive Republican congressman and senators that I have duped. They make me sick throwing around all those fancy Latin terms like quid pro quo, quitclaim deed, quinoa, or whatever. Why don't they use real English? One other thing, could you please let me have one more parade/rally where I can charge admittance, so I can recoup some of the money that I have lost while in office? You know, I have a lot of legal fees that I need to settle. It's hard to keep lawyers who will be loyal to me, especially those that provide cover for all of my secrets. Well, they won't have ole Donald to kick around any more. Please let me know about the parade.

Bye, Donald Trump

Dear Donald, Yes on the resignation. No on the deal. And no on the parade. Now, GET OUT OF TOWN!

Bye, Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives

John Sesney

Carson City