Inauguration Day decoded

So, OK, it’s in the books. President Bush’s second inaugural address. While, on the surface, it might have inspired the somnambulistic majority with its warm, fuzzy lather about freedom, liberty and the innate goodness of our tri-color system of traffic control, a cynical dig below that chewy, chocolate surface reveals some seriously foreboding neo-con doublespeak. For example …

“The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world.” Translation: “Very soon, we’re going to stop using terms like “soldiers” and “armed forces” in favor of the more upbeat “freedom expanders.”

“The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands.” Translation: “The faster you Asians and Africans start watching bowl games and eating Frito-Lay products, the better your chances of avoiding a visit from some of our freedom expanders.”

“All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know the United States will not ignore your oppression or excuse your oppressors.” Translation: “And you know, folks, I’m thinkin’ we’re gonna need us a whole bunch of brand new freedom expanders here real soon.”

“When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you.” Translation: “And hey, if y’all are sittin’ on some serious oil, we can move you right to the top of the Countries to Stand-With list.”

“America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling.” Translation: “But anybody who wants to put one of them ornery-ass Islamist Theocracies up on the big board had better watch out for Dick Cheney’s Hairy Eyeball.”

“America’s belief in human dignity will guide our policies.” Translation: “I gotta tell ya, I really believe in that Hairy Eyeball of Dick’s. Did you see the third chapter of The Lord of The Rings, with that nasty Eye of Sauron scanning the countryside for various misbehaviors by the minions? Dick’s Hairy Eyeball is sorta like that.”

“Americans, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals.” Translation: “Don’t think for a second that I’d be afraid to have Dick put that Hairy Eyeball on any of you locals. That sucker scans real good over all these purple mountains and fruited plains and stuff.”

“I ask our youngest citizens to … make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself.” Translation: “Plan on becoming a freedom expander real soon, won’t you?”