In the case of the divorce of Uncle Sam and Miss America

Not long ago I received an e-mail purportedly written by the Blue States demanding a divorce from the Red States. The Blue States include Michigan, California, Illinois, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington and the Northeast. Here’s my response.

Dear Blue States:

On behalf of my client, the Red States, I am sorry to hear that you’ve decided to end your long-time union. My client is upset but understands your need to “move on.”

It is not as though this is completely unexpected. You’ve maintained that my client is illiterate, stupid, racist and otherwise ignorant for years.

In an attempt to avoid litigation, my client proposes the following settlement of property and custody.

You can keep Harvard and the other over-rated Ivy League schools. When snooty professors get their pantyhose all in a bunch over the mere suggestion that there may be innate differences between men and women—this proves they are not just hyper-sensitive but also completely blind.

You get Hillary Clinton. We get Condoleezza Rice.

You get CBS and Newsweek. We get Fox News. We’ll take the heartland and farmland. People who value hard work and traditions.

You get abortions, welfare and gay marriage. You can also have all the tofu-farting, tree-hugging celebrities in Hollywood who wouldn’t recognize a spotted owl if it defecated on them.

You may have all the financial institutions and computer technology, but we get the majority of steel mills, coal mines, textile plants and medical-research facilities.

We’ll also maintain control over the majority of all agricultural land, including corn, wheat, rice, sugar, potatoes, soy beans and cotton. You get the most beaches and restaurants.

You get California, where a man can’t be fired for wearing a dress to work. We’ll take Mississippi, which, despite being the poorest state, gives more to charity per capita than any other.

You can also have the marital “friends.” You know. France, Germany and the other pious hypocrites who claim the moral and intellectual superiority to criticize us from the sidelines, without having any “skin” in the game. That would include the spineless friends like Spain, who cut and run at the first opportunity.

We’ll take Wal-Mart and privatized Social Security accounts. You get the “non-crisis” Social Security system and United Airlines with its non-crisis pension plan.

You get the following gasbags: Michael Moore, Al Franken, Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks and the United Nations. We get gas guzzling SUVs and the oil fields to run them.

We’ll keep Congress. You can have the courts, since you apparently prefer that judges make up laws, anyway.

We’ll take all the guns, since you must believe armed, law-abiding citizens are a greater threat to society than criminals.

You get to give ex-felons and illegal aliens get the right to vote. (Note: Please advise whether we should immediately deport our illegals to you or to their country of origin.)

Since you are anti-war, we get custody of the military. They’ll be happier with us because we appreciate and support them. Most of them vote with us anyway, since the concepts of duty, honor and responsibility seems to be as foreign a concept to you as they are to the United Nations.

In the event you should you ever require military protection, I suggest you first ask Canada for help. Then I suggest you ask your favorite Ivy League professor for a precise academic explanation of why Harvard bans the military from recruiting on campus.

I look forward to your response.


Michael Lafferty, Esq.

Attorney for the Red States