I didn’t write it, but I think it’s funny

Since I’m on vacation and heading for warmer climes, here’s a little humor that makes the rounds on the internet to illustrate the absurd limits people will go demanding special treatment. I can’t find who originally wrote it, but I think it’s pretty funny.

MEMO FROM: Jane Doe, Human Resources Director. SUBJECT: Christmas Party.

Please be advised that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon at the Steak House on Main Street. In the spirit of the season, there will be a cash bar. Also carolers and other entertainment will be provided.

Participation in the Secret Santa program is completely voluntary. Place your business card in the appropriate box located in the lobby by December 10. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at anytime; however, we ask that the value not exceed $20.

The Managing Director will be making a special announcement at the party and all other corporate officers (including VPs) will be giving year-end reports.

FROM: Jane Doe, HR Director. SUBJECT: Holiday Party.

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. The same goes for Kwanzaa.

However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. The band was cancelled so as not to offend any of you with strong musical preferences.

FROM: Jane Doe, HR Director. SUBJECT: Holiday Party.

I received an unsigned note from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. While I’d be more than happy to accommodate your request for a sign reading “AA Table Only,” it would sort of defeat yours (and anyone else’s) anonymity. Please advise.

The “Secret Santa Program” has been cancelled. Union Officials feel that $20 is too much money and Management believes that it is not enough.

FROM: Jane Doe, HR Director. SUBJECT: Holiday Party.

My, what a diverse group we have. I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. We can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, so perhaps the restaurant can provide you with a meal to-go?

Meanwhile, members of Weight Watchers will be assigned a table farthest from the dessert buffet while pregnant women will have one closest to the restrooms. Gay men may sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; and each will have their own table.

Low-fat options will be available for those on a diet, however we cannot control the salt used in the food. If you have high blood pressure, you should already know which foods to avoid.

FROM: Jane Doe, HR Director. SUBJECT: That Party

To the vegetarians who requested a restaurant change: Request denied. The party will be at the previously specified location whether you like it or not. You will be assigned a table farthest from the “grill of death.” There will be a salad bar, complete with organic vegetables and all the tasteless tofu you can ingest.

All of you spoiled, self-involved people with too much time on your hands, please drink, drive, and die! Signed, The Witch.

And on that note, may Right Hook take a moment to wish you a Happy New Year!