Hump consequences

Here's a hot one we used to entertain ourselves with back in the good old days at Commie Martyrs High. Let's see if it translates to the modern millennium.

“Who's the better environmentalist? The whiskey-soaked, cigarette-sucking, loathsome, fat, repulsive, 296-pound confirmed bachelor with no kids who drives his Hummer to the sportsbook every day to bet on the horses and who's never recycled so much as one can of the thousands and thousands of beers and sodas he's choked down his lumpy gullet … or the yoga-crazed, super slender, quasi-vegetarian, Prius-driving, ultra-green, ridiculously glowing, fresh-faced, unflinchingly positive, 31-year-old mother of two of the most adorable and dedicated 8- and 11-year-old insanely dedicated recycling crusaders to ever walk the face of the planet?”

Congratulations for spotting this totally obvious set-up from about 32 parsecs away.

Because, yes, of course, the repulsive gambler just positively mops the floor with Suzy Sparkleface, environmentally speaking, simply because he has made zero new human beings while Suzy has popped out a couple. Those two new humans from Suzy's womb will, in the course of their lifetimes, require a staggering amount of resources—plants, foods, minerals, and fossil fuels—to make their way in this world. It's not even close. Garth the Gambler is easily the environmental king, a fact that will no doubt cause his great displeasure should he one day come to realize he's an environmental wacko of the first order.

And yet, the paradigm of childlessness in the United States is one that isn't really making much headway in our national cerebro-cortex. Well, maybe it's making a little progress, but that progress is being more than offset by our ongoing national sex frenzy, which has been roaring along pretty good ever since some Pilgrim figured out that bundling was actually a pretty darn good way to spend a long, cold February evening.

Look at the latest stats from the Census Bureau, and you'll see that, environmental movement or no environmental movement, Americans continue to excel at the making of viable zygotes (Viable Zygotes—now that's a rock band waiting to happen). Back in October '06, the population of the U.S. hit 300 million. OK, it was bound to happen. And here it is, all of six and a half years later, and we just hit 314 mill! Dayam! We be humpin' out here on the fruited plain! In fact, somebody better wash the fruited plain's satin sheets. They gotta be pretty darned crusty by now. What the lively lingams and yearning yonis of America have teamed up to do in the last 6.5 years is to birth what is essentially three new Nevadas. Just whipped 'em up, right out of thin air, thanks to all the Viagra, Cialis, and horny goat weed now being secretly added to all those energy drinks.*

The Unscratchable Itch meets the Unstoppable Urge.

*Your chain just got yanked. Enjoy it.