So this past Monday, the two biggest lying sacks of shit on this planet got onstage in Helsinki and cranked off a few nice ones. If those two ever go fishing, stand back! They’ll fire off some amazing whoppers! It was quite the show, but the reviews don’t seem to be too good. Looks like about an eight percent fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, for example. And those positives are all from Russian critics.

Republican strategist and Trumpophobe Rick Wilson tweeted, “The President knows the Russians interfered in our election on his behalf. He consistently, endlessly lies to his base about this fact. He and his allies obstruct justice to prevent investigation into this interference. It’s the T-word.” Keep it simple, keep it straight. Question: How exactly does the POTUS deal with a national security crisis when the security crisis is, in fact—the POTUS? Seriously, is it now time for Mattis to play the 25th Amendment card?

Hey, you know, the word “meddling” isn’t really right. Meddling is something your roommate does when he/she unexpectedly sets you up with someone for a date. It’s not the right word at all for what was basically a Russian thermonuclear digital attack, an act of modern laptop warfare, if you will. I’m not sure what the right word is in this instance (digital attack?), but it sure as hell ain’t meddling.

Possible thought bubble from our man Kap—“And you thought I was disrespecting the flag?” Hey, Retrumplicans, are you going to do ANYTHING AT ALL? And no, sending interns out for a jumbo box of Depends doesn’t count as a response.

Speaking of Retrumplicans, goddammit, WTF is up with Senators Corker, Flake and Sasse, who will tweet all kind of bitchy snipes at Twitler when he fucks up, but when it comes time to actually vote on some new piece of whacked-out Republican Satanic Dogshit, they line up like good boys and vote like Mitch’s Bitches without fail, never missing a vote, never deviating from the pack? So come on, you guys, your instincts are right. Vote against Kavanaugh. Vote for immigrants. Vote for health care. Fuck Trump. Go full DeNiro on his orange ass. Who gives a shit, you’re retiring! Don’t just fucking tweet! Vote like you’re mad. Piss the sumbitch off. Blow him up, and make him throw his cheeseburger at the bedroom 60-inch.

This just into the newsroom—witch hunting investigators just bagged a real witch! Foxy redhead ammosexual Maria Butina, now in custody. Watch her broom, boys, it may be loaded! Woohoo, the witches just keep piling up!