Happy April Fools’ Day

Let me tell you something. I’m the luckiest guy on the planet. OK, maybe I never hit a Royal with max coins bet, and maybe I’ve got more unfortunate-incident scars than most people, and maybe I sleep like a princess with a pea under her mattress but, honest to gosh, who else do you know who gets to get up in the morning and assemble stories about goblins, aliens and Messiahs?

Nobody—outside the Weekly World News or The Onion—gets to do this sort of stuff.

Now, for those who really don’t get irony, sardonicism or humor, I want to make this perfectly clear: All these stories are true. Every detail has been fact checked; every photo inspected for accuracy. There is a humanoid toxic avenger living in the waters off McCarran Boulevard, and the Reno City Council has been taken over by things from Uranus (and if you don’t believe me, ask the Washoe County Commission) and Jesus, although it wasn’t included in the story, did tell me he’s not going to do The Passion of the Christ II unless he gets a better trailer.

Along similar lines, I think it’s important to note that, as I write this, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice is about to be scheduled to testify in public under oath.

As with many other instances in this particular newspaper, the truth will become apparent under public scrutiny. I understand Rice is the linchpin in the Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake conspiracy and will be able to tell us the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about whether Jackson had, first, breast augmentation, and, second, if that augmentation included cybernetic nipples.

Anyway, have a nice April Fools’ Day. You know I will.

Reason to vote No. 21: Those who would restrict the public’s right to be as funny as it wants to be can be stopped on Election Day. Simply vote for people who have a sense of humor.