Gretel & Hansel

Director Robert Eggers is two films into his career, and people are already trying to rip off his style. Coming off like a low-rate The Witch, Gretel & Hansel shoots for the slow-burn, deliberately paced, lushly photographed style that Eggers employed in his 2015 masterpiece. While director Osgood Perkins has put together a movie that looks OK, the script by Rob Hayes provides little to nothing in the way of chills. The movie is all atmosphere with little substance. On the verge of starvation centuries ago, Gretel (Sophia Lillis) is kicked out of her home with little brother Hansel (Sammy Leakey) in tow. They head into the forest where the only meal they have is hallucinogenic mushrooms—yes, they trip out—until they come upon a house inhabited by a strange old lady named Holda (Alice Krige). Holda is all by herself without a supermarket in sight, yet her table is full of freshly baked and roasted goodies. Hansel and Gretel, just like the fairytale, settle in for some good country cooking. Little do they know that the obviously totally evil Holda—I mean, look at her, she’s definitely a witch—has nefarious plans that involve a different kind of mealtime. As the kids mull about the house and stuff their faces, Holda seems to have some sort of witch training future in store for Gretel. Gretel has “visions” that suggest she could have witchcraft in her blood, so Holda encourages her witchy woman side while Hansel moves closer to the roasting oven. Will Gretel get ahold of herself before Hansel achieves an uncomfortable alliance with parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme? Trust me, you’ll be so bored you won’