Golden showers

Well, that last week of thunderstorms/rain was quite the timely little weather event. It rained on me out here in Spanish Springs for nine freakin' days in a row. I think the last time that happened, Nevada was still a territory.

But drippy rain event notwithstanding, we'll be back to high, dry and baked again in no time, and that means the talk of water conservation will rev up to fifth gear in a hurry. And there's one area of potential savings that I'm pretty sure is going to get completely overlooked, due to an unwillingness to tackle a slightly delicate issue. I don't think the City Council is going to address it, nor the County Commission, nor the Truckee Meadows Water Authority. OK, fine. Leave it to the zany columnist in the back of the paper. But doggone it, it's time for a whole bunch of folks around these parts to stop peeing in the toilet.

Hell, yes, I'm serious. Doesn't it seem absolutely cuckoo for people to waste precious water at this crucial time flushing urine into the river when you could just as easily be outside peeing on the petunias? And puh-leez, don't even mention that “if it's yellow, let it mellow” approach. Letting three or four pisses “mellow” in the toilet? Gettin' all filmy and rank and icky? Ugh.

I'd much rather just take it outside. Wouldn't you? Obviously, this strategy is inappropriate for many. Apartment and condo dwellers, for example. You get a pass on this, and if you want to do your part, you're stuck with the mellow yellow scene. Knock yourself out. But there are a lot of homes in the Truckee Meadows that have nice fences providing plenty of privacy. So why not?

Once again, it's time for cocktail napkin math. We've got approximately 400,000 humans living in the Meadows these days. If a measly 1 in 8 citizens, or 12.5 percent, would commit to a Yard Urinal Program (YUP), we could save some serious water this summer. Here's how.

There are all kinds of toilets currently in use. Some use 5 gallons a flush, some use 1. For ease of math, let's use a conservative average of 2 gallons a flush. If 1 in 8 citizens was leaking on the lawn instead of in the bathroom, that would be 50,000 folks. It's estimated an average adult pees 5 times a day. So 5 daily lawn leaks would save 10 gallons a day. 50,000 times 10 equals 500,000 gallons a day, 3.5 million gallons a week, and 14 million gallons a month. In the prime outdoor pissing season of June through September, that's about 56 million gallons of water. Or 172 acre feet! Man, that ain't chump change, Johnson. That's some serious water.

Girls, you don't have to miss out on this piss party. Not at all. Two words—pee funnel. Available in abundance. So OK, let us Tinkle for Tahoe, and Pee for Pyramid! May your stream always be strong and true.