Gettin’ pfunky with Viagra

If you’ve been watching certain sporting events on TV lately, your eyeballs have been bombarded by a commercial for Viagra. I’m referring to the ad showing three couples speaking frankly about the serious lack of booty that had befallen their unions, a situation that finally led them to try “Big Blue.” Each couple then goes on to describe the happiness that has overwhelmed their lives ever since Pfizer’s pfamous pfukstarter transformed Mr. Hubby from meek dangler to wrathful wrangler.

Well, the spots are fine and noticeably discreet in their tastefulness. But after you see them about 30 times, you start to wish for less tastefulness and more low-down funkiness. Here, then, is a script for Pfizer should the company ever decide to get a bit more “down” with its “bad self” in terms of promoting its full line of mattress-busting banana-bracers.

Opening shot: A very nice, very attractive couple, probably in their ‘50s, sitting on the edge of their huge waterbed. The bedspread colors are midnight black and hot pink, two unsubtle hues that imply “nasty action galore” to the viewer.

Him: I guess you could say we had hit a plateau in our relationship.

Her: Plateau, schmateau. We had hit the freakin’ WALL. We were doing it maybe once a month, and then it was only when I would put on the fishnets and the fez.

Him: (chuckles) She’s right. My act in the bedroom was sort of stale.

Her: Quite frankly, I was just about ready to start racking up some sack time with my insanely horny tennis pro. But then, I saw an ad for Viagra. I thought we should give it a try.

Him: I’m so glad you did, muffin.

Her: Now, we’re making love again whenever we want.

Him: Actually, making love is a crummy way to describe the slathered and lathered boinkfests that now take place in our crazed crib twice a week. I mean, I am flat nailin’ this nasty witch with some solid sycamore by way of skank factor four!

Her: I’m not sure which day of the week is my favorite, Thor Thunder Thursday or Mandingo Monday.

Him: I’m tellin’ you what, baby, it’s ALL good when papa is wheelin’ and dealin’ with that swingin’ Pfizer pfeelin! (Begins howling like a wolf.)

Announcer: Looking to get some good old-fashioned sweat back in YOUR bedroom? Call your doctor about a free sample of Viagra. Like any drug dealer who knows he has the goods, we’re happy to give you that first dose for free! And all you cheap slobs who are waiting for the generics to show up, forget it! We’ve got years to go on our patent! Call your doctor NOW before YOUR wife starts bangin’ balls with HER tennis pro!