Gee, thanks, guys

People Who Have Changed The Way We Live:

First, you have to go to the superstars of computer geekdom. Gates, Jobs, and all the other heavyweight digital brainiacs who have taken us on this completely remarkable ride into Cyberworld. I mean, who saw this coming back in 1984? The Computer Revolution has put some serious whoopass on everything this side of whittling. Can you imagine living today without at least one computer in your home? (If your answer is yes, you’re either 83 or one stubborn Luddite.)

The next genuine member of the P.W.H.C.T.W.W.L. Club … Mohammed Bleeping Atta. Gotta put him in there, right? Because of Mr. Atta and his wild bunch, you and I now have to undergo ID checks/x-ray action/metal detectors/total cattle call every time we want to get on a commercial airliner. Let me not forget homicidal screwball Richard Ray, whose antics resulted in me having to take off my shoes every time I want to get on a jet.

I was thinking about these jaspers the other day while going through the airport security gauntlet. I was specifically thinking back to calmer times, eight years ago, when a guy could get on a plane with a lighter, a pocket knife and nail clippers. Meaning that if the plane went down, he’d have at least a chance to kill, trim, and cook a gopher. Oh, well. Times of innocence, forever flushed down the sewer hole of history, only to wash up on the distant beaches that lay beyond the ever-spinning windmills of your mind. I was happy, though, that I remembered to wear my dumbass Crocs for the flight; I like the easy-off, easy-on style of those suckers when you’re under the gun and the pressure’s on to smoothly deposit all your stuff in those bins. And their stinkfoot factor is delightfully low. Highly recommended for your next flight, unless you’re hung up on looking good at the airport. Comfy, Crocs are. Stylish? Well …

There is one other fartsmeller who deserves to be tortured for eternity by a demon from a Bosch painting for the wicked deed that got him in the P.W.H.C.T.W.W.L. Club. I’m talking about that scab-sucking larva-man who put rat poison in over-the-counter meds (Contac) back in the mid-’80s. That wanker cost American manufacturers billions by forcing them to seal their merchandise in order to re-instill consumer confidence in product safety. Since then, that paranoia has become an industry standard, and not just for cold medicine, but for just about anything you buy that you’re intending to put in your mouth. That’s why you have to have a knife with you at all times in this new millennium, to pierce, slash, and stab your way into your meds and goodies.

Just remember to leave that blade at home before heading to the airport.