Eye on the ball

Well, Barry Bonds just hit home run number 714 (this is being written on May 21), which means he’s now tied with Babe Ruth for second on the all-time list. The appropriate response is … so? I mean, why exactly are people going ga-ga when this guy just tied history’s number two guy? I can’t think of another example in sports history where fans got all jangled up because a guy just tied for second place. What the bleep? Maybe it’s testimony to the lasting legacy of Babe Ruth, who’s now been dead for 58 years (although his candy bar is still top notch). Maybe friggin’ ESPN is somewhat desperate to jack up whatever interest might be available to be jacked up, since they made the now-lamentable decision to broadcast that lame “Bonds on Bonds” weekly stroke-off, which is racking up ratings almost equal to Saturday morning’s “Let’s Go Get Us Some Bass!”

Anyway. Baseball should treat Bonds the same way that track and field dealt with Ben Johnson, even though Bonds blew himself up on stuff that was legal at the time. I don’t really care. He’s dung to me now, a dried hunk of beetle-infested poop utterly unfit to wash the sweat stains out of Hank Aaron’s undershirt.

<center>• • •</center>

Our country has put forth the possibility that nuclear weapons might be used against Iran in order to keep them from manufacturing nuclear weapons. The Iranians must be figuring that the best defense against being the target of a nuclear attack would be to have some nukes of their own. If Joseph Heller were still alive, he might be thinking there’s gotta be a Catch-23 in this mix somewhere.

Meanwhile, the American Fear Machine, which did such excellent work making millions of us actually feel jittery about what turned out to be a completely manacled, headlocked and hogtied Saddam Hussein, is now trying to get our collective panties in a tizzied wad about Iran. Well, I got suckered in ’02 and ’03; Bushco can kiss my ass this time around. I ain’t goin’ for it.

What’s the worst that can happen? Iran gets a bomb in five years? I hate to break it to you, but when was the last time you checked out the current line-up at Club Nuke? It’s not exactly the Universal Brotherhood of Mellowness. There are some real jokers in this deck, like Pakistan, North Korea and Israel. No, it wouldn’t be swell for Iran to get into Club Nuke. It wouldn’t be the end of life as we know it, either.

Here’s what must be remembered. To most of the rest of the planet, the U.S is now the Empire. We’re the new Rome, folks, and kindly old Uncle Sam is a vampire with fangs of dripping oil. You want him to leave you alone or at least think twice before he starts messing with you? There’s one way to get that kind of respect: Get a bomb. It’s the lesson of North Korea. Can you blame Iran for noticing?