Erection poll

After reading still more snarky comments put forth about women who get boob jobs, I’m inspired to ask: If a woman gets lasik surgery to improve her vision, do we then say that she’s “got fake eyes”?—implying that she’s cheated, somehow, to get decent eyesight, and that by so doing, she’s to be mocked and derided? You know, as in “Why didn’t she just make do with what God gave her?”

In the same petty way, men love to bring the needle, whether it’s good-natured or not, upon their brothers who dare to confess to the use of modern hydraulic boosters, a.k.a Viagra, Cialis, or any of 322 herbal turgidifiers now available online. Fine. You don’t like ’em or need ’em, dandy. Good for you.

But when I turned 47, I noticed I couldn’t read the check book any more. Or the compact disc liner notes. Or the menu. I finally figured it out. It was time to make the move to reading glasses. OK, whatever. I came to discover this particular blurring of one’s near-sighted powers happens to approximately 94 percent of the humans on Earth.

Well, similarly, once I found out that those pharmaceutical pencil leadening-agents were—well, hell, they were kinda fun. And helpful. And really, aren’t they exactly like chemical reading glasses for kindly ole Mr. Johnson?


This week’s Republican head-scratcher comes from a new poll in Michigan that showed that 50 percent of that state’s GOP voters don’t support the federal government’s bailout of GM and Chrysler in the winter of ’09. What the—?

GM’s stock was selling for all of $1.70 a share back in November ’08. That’s right, a buck seventy. General Effing Motors! You know that old saw, “As GM goes, so goes America?” Well, neither entity was doing real well at that nervous and apprehensive time. Nowadays, GM stock is about 26 bucks a pop, and it’s once again the world’s biggest auto seller. Why? Well, the president gets a heckuva lot of credit. In fact, how about all the credit? And that just bugs the boogers out of you Repubs, don’t it?

So 50 percent of Republicans in Michigan still say they’re against a bailout that was totally successful in saving hundreds of thousands of jobs and a vitally important American industry? This is like a casino saying, “OK, Repubs, here ya go. The betting opportunity of a lifetime. We’re gonna let you bet on the Super Bowl on the morning after the game.” And then, 50 percent of Republican bettors still bet on the Patriots, because they hate Eli Manning’s guts so bad they simply can’t bring themselves to bet on him, even when it’s the winning ticket.

Republicans, be careful. Because you’re getting dangerously close to some very thin political ice by pulling for your country to stay in the crapper because you’re so insanely venomous about President Obama.