Drive fast, too
What I am now prepared to do is to give up one of my well-researched and thoroughly tested tips for dealing with Interstates 80 and 395. Some- times a columnist just has to suck it up and get pretentious enough to tell people how the hell to drive. Every day, there are scads upon scads of folks getting all clogged and bogged trying to merge from 80 eastbound onto 395 south and from 395 northbound onto 80 west-east. See those snakepits in your mind’s eye? These two zones have become gnarly cesspools due to drivers making their merging move into the far right lane way too early, which results in this big sludgy mosh pit where ultra-cautious freeway enterers mix it up with semi-frantic freeway exiters. You don’t have to be sucked into this zombific madness if you just relax, pay attention and have no fear of success.
Let’s say you’re on 80 eastbound, just past Wells Avenue, wanting to get onto 395 south. These days it’s very common for 395 southers to begin heading over to that far right lane just as they get to where traffic from Wells is merging on to 80. Don’t fall into this trap of sub-moronic mob think, where the majority of lemmings begin to jockey prematurely for that right-hand lane position. What you do instead is just keep on driving in the center lane of 80, as if you were going to Sparks. By doing so, you will pass dozens of lamebrains who have slowed to 4 miles an hour in order to perform their Dance of the Insecure Dimwits. Then, as you get to where 395 breaks away from 80, you slide over and into the lane reserved for those heading on 395 north, not south. That particular lane is almost always empty. From this vantage point, the nimble driver will have no trouble finding an opening among the line of cars that are stacking (but not bumper-to-bumper) in the 395 South lane, and it’s at this time, and not a moment sooner, that you finally and casually zip on over into a prime position in the pecking order.
This same strategy works as you head north on 395, approaching the lanes to get on 80. Again, you’re happy to let the dullards chew on each other as they battle for lane changes around the Glendale exit/entrance, while you niftily zoom past in the left lane, as if you were headed to Stead. Then, once you’ve passed that Glendale mosh pit, you’ll be amazed at how easily you can slide on over into the 80 merge lanes, once again sailing past dozens of zombies who made that right lane move way too early.