Dogs are controlling our minds!

Have you ever thought your pet seemed like an actual little person, doing things only humans tend to do? What if you thought your pet was doing something more fiendish, something you couldn’t do—for example, directing human actions with mind power? Some dog-owners living along the Truckee River have made complaints to their vets recently that their canines are capable of such extrasensory abilities, and a local scientist says he can verify these reports and knows why it’s happening.

Tilda McGovern, 37, is the owner of three pit bulls and has recently noticed herself performing out-of-the-ordinary duties for her dogs.

“I was in the kitchen one night putting a corn casserole in the oven, and the next thing I know, I’m laying a 16-ounce rare steak on top of Admiral’s dry dog food.”

McGovern said she has no recollection of how she got from the oven to the dog’s dish.

“I don’t know where that steak came from, since my husband and I are vegetarians,” McGovern said.

Claude Muskeegee, 68, also reported irregular behavior in himself and in his Irish setter Tempest. Muskeegee was shocked after going to bed one night with Tempest lying on the floor next to him, then waking up with Tempest and four other dogs at the foot of his bed. When he took the unknown dogs to Animal Control, the woman at the front desk asked why he would return four dogs so soon after adopting them.

“I must have blacked out a full 24 hours because, apparently, I had gone to the pound the day before asking to take those dogs home.” Muskeegee decided to keep the mutts since he has a large back yard.

Muskeegee summed up the situation by saying, “I guess, like the old adage goes, it’s better to have a brontosaurus in your bathtub than a bare-naked billy goat.”

Local hydrologist Cyrus Beckleman says he has the answer to this canine conundrum.

“There have been reports of animal mind control in various regions across the country over the years, and it’s always linked to a rare type of bacteria, found in certain rotting trees, that finds its way into the water supply. In the past 40 years, we’ve only encountered trees containing the bacteria in this area three times.”

Beckleman says if dogs stop drinking water directly from the Truckee River, their aptitude for telepathy should fade away. He also said that, when the sick tree dies, the bacteria will also die, and the dogs will no longer be able to meddle with human brains.

Even though the blackouts and the money spent on dog toys and treats are major nuisances to McGovern, she says she’s not going to try very hard to make her dogs stop drinking from the river.

“Every time I snap out of it and find myself putting steak or rack of lamb or buffalo burger or haggis into one of the dogs’ dishes, I sometimes just want to take it right back, but then they flash me those puppy-dog eyes, and I just feel happy that they’re getting what they want,” McGovern said. “All dogs should be so lucky.”

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