Crystal ball

Well, it looks like ol' Lamar Odom is gonna pull out of his near-death experience at a Nevada bordello. And that's nice. You know, checking out while romping with a couple of hookers during a blizzard of coke and boner bombers is a fine way to kick ye olde bucket—if you're 74. For a 35-year old ex-NBA star, it's a bit of a fuckup and there ain't no gettin' around that. So what have we learned about Nevada in this wonderful story of sex, drugs and sports, all coming together with timely and delicious salaciousness in the Great Stinking Desert?

For one thing, despite all the stories written by backeast types from all these mags, rags and blogs, the Bunny Ranch is nowhere near the Love Ranch. This is the main glaring error in the coverage of Lamar. The Bunny Ranch is outside Carson City in the bewildering town of Mound House. Also in Mound House is the Love Ranch North. So you read all these reports about how the infamous Bunny Ranch (featured in the HBO series Cathouse!) is a mile from the scene of Lamar's Lust. They're only off by about 300 miles. Because our hero was schwingin' and dingin' at the Love Ranch South, which is in the equally bewildering town of Crystal, known to many as BFE, or Bumfuck, Egypt, which is a spot-on assessment of this strange burg. I mean, Crystal is seriously Out There. It's so far fuckin' out there that girls will show up for their first tour of down-and-dirty dick duty, spend three days listening to the cicadas hatch and flat-out flee, leaving a note on their pillow about how pulling the midnight shift at the Shop'n'Shoot in Boulder City suddenly doesn't look all that bad.

OK, what else we got here? Well, we found out that if you're 6-10, you better not ever need a helicopter ride to the hospital. At least, not in Nye County. You too long, dude! I can just see 'em this winter in Pahrump, having bake sales and car washes to buy a bigger chopper. Bottom line—if you're gonna run amok in a crazed sexcapade with coke, herbal viagra, and a pair of hard-workin' working girls in the middle of BFE, you better not be taller than this line.

We also learned that Kim Kardashian calls her brother-in-law Lammy, which is fairly unfortunate. Speaking of names, the two girls who were Lamar's dates at the Love Ranch South were Monica Monroe and Ryder Cherry. As far as hooker names go, Monica Monroe, while a bit predictable, is fine. But Ryder Cherry? Eesh. You gotta be roastin' on Reload to pick a chick with that handle. What ever happened to Xaviera Hollander? Still the all-time best hooker name.

Of course, business is now booming at the LRS. At least, according to owner Dennis Hof. All kinds of astrophysicists calling in trying to reserve the “Lamar Suite.” God bless America!