Correct-Thinking Humanoid Party
I suppose I’ve established myself, over the years of wiggling my antenna in this here Neon Babylon, as a “liberal.” I suppose. I realize I’m way left of mainstream America on a few fronts (billions for solar power, strong advocate for a federally funded “vasectomy on demand” program), but I don’t think of myself as a liberal, per se. I think of myself as simply a correct-thinking humanoid, much as, I suspect, Jesse Helms, RuPaul and the guy who changes Dale Junior’s tires in the pits all do. The one way my group distances itself from all others is simply by being the one group that does indeed think correctly. We also separate ourselves from the pack by being solidly behind the movement to force the Washington Redskins to change its name.
Gun Control: We proper thinkers don’t want to take away all the pistols, rifles and shotguns. You gun nuts realize that, right? After all, we’re gonna need our own firepower when all the psychos lose it after Al-Qaedans blow up the Zoloft factories. What we do want is for gun nuts to not have a bunch of bazookas and machine guns. Is that so wrong? (Although the way things are going in D.C., I’m getting more flexible on the automatic weaponry. Just promise you won’t snap, OK?)
Environment: Correct-thinking people are, for the most part, quite reasonable on this front, far more reasonable than those gas-spewing swamp-monsters from conservative talk-radio airwaves would have you believe. Again, our stance is simple. If you make a mess somewhere out there, we expect you to clean it up. I mean, have some class, goddammit. Plus, clear-cutting sucks, and the 1872 mining thing is in need of a little update. Sorry, mining magnates and employees, but, for god’s sake, can you name one other thing from 1872 that has any weight whatsoever here in the 21st century? Besides sex, drinking and unending torrents of profanity, that is.
Tobacco smoking: If you want to smoke, the Power to the Correct People movement will write loads of letters supporting your right to smoke in any alley or vestibule in America. We are also committed to having the DEA list clove cigarettes as a schedule II irritatogen.