Correct-Thinking Humanoid Party

We have a new columnist here in the paper, a gentleman named Mike Lafferty who has a take on current affairs that’s a bit to the right of those normally held by your average nasally pierced weed dealer. It seems there has been some feedback to this move, slightly negative feedback from a few folks who think we just may be asking for soaped windows and a major toilet-papering of the office trees. This tiny controversy reminds me of something we used to print on the masthead of my high school newspaper—“Don’t believe everything you read, and don’t read everything you believe.” Which is easier said than done. When was the last time you read an Ann Coulter essay? A copy of Soldier of Fortune magazine?

I suppose I’ve established myself, over the years of wiggling my antenna in this here Neon Babylon, as a “liberal.” I suppose. I realize I’m way left of mainstream America on a few fronts (billions for solar power, strong advocate for a federally funded “vasectomy on demand” program), but I don’t think of myself as a liberal, per se. I think of myself as simply a correct-thinking humanoid, much as, I suspect, Jesse Helms, RuPaul and the guy who changes Dale Junior’s tires in the pits all do. The one way my group distances itself from all others is simply by being the one group that does indeed think correctly. We also separate ourselves from the pack by being solidly behind the movement to force the Washington Redskins to change its name.

Gun Control: We proper thinkers don’t want to take away all the pistols, rifles and shotguns. You gun nuts realize that, right? After all, we’re gonna need our own firepower when all the psychos lose it after Al-Qaedans blow up the Zoloft factories. What we do want is for gun nuts to not have a bunch of bazookas and machine guns. Is that so wrong? (Although the way things are going in D.C., I’m getting more flexible on the automatic weaponry. Just promise you won’t snap, OK?)

Environment: Correct-thinking people are, for the most part, quite reasonable on this front, far more reasonable than those gas-spewing swamp-monsters from conservative talk-radio airwaves would have you believe. Again, our stance is simple. If you make a mess somewhere out there, we expect you to clean it up. I mean, have some class, goddammit. Plus, clear-cutting sucks, and the 1872 mining thing is in need of a little update. Sorry, mining magnates and employees, but, for god’s sake, can you name one other thing from 1872 that has any weight whatsoever here in the 21st century? Besides sex, drinking and unending torrents of profanity, that is.

Tobacco smoking: If you want to smoke, the Power to the Correct People movement will write loads of letters supporting your right to smoke in any alley or vestibule in America. We are also committed to having the DEA list clove cigarettes as a schedule II irritatogen.