Chill with the trumpeting
So if I told you there’s a candidate who put forth the following positions—single-payer national healthcare, pro-choice, Iraq war a total disaster—you wouldn’t even blink, assuming I was predictably enough referring to either Bernie or Hillary and, of course, this is all a setup you can smell a mile away because the candidate I’m talking about is none other than The New Hitler Himself, El Donaldo. Of course, when it comes to his position on health care and abortion, I’m talking about the Trump of 20 years ago. So there’s that.
But it seems that every month, I’m writing a column that could be construed as slightly pro-Trump, or at least one that advocates a lessening of the Trump hysteria that seems to have overwhelmed the liberal media, and it’s not a completely comfortable position for a psychedelic psocialist like me, who would have voted for Tim Leary over Ronald Reagan in the ’68 California governor’s race had California allowed 15-year-olds to vote. (Unfortunately, Tim got thrown in jail before that election, which really put a damper on his campaign.)
But I simply have to comment occasionally as I watch my liberal brethren and sistren occupying themselves on a now daily basis with a series of self-administered wedgies that are so ferociously entrenched way way way up there in the clefts between their cheeks that I fear their removal will only be possible by doctors using specially designed cotton-clasping forceps. Yes, I’m talking about wedgies so determinedly situated in the collective liberal buttcrack that I now suspect there must have been some kind of masochistic erotic pleasures involved in their positioning.
And if you’re thinking I may be getting some kinky jollies by just writing about such stuff—well, let’s move on, shall we?
But some salient points. For one, the prospect of Trump getting the Republican nomination is vexing, sure. But I would rather it go to Trump than that ding dong Cruz. I’m in total agreement with Stephen King, who recently opined that Terrible Ted is the guy that really scares the shit out of him. Me too, Steve!
For real comfort, though, let’s look at some key voting blocs. Hispanics? Not big fans of El Trumpo. Hell, they’ve got pinatas of the guy’s hairdo, fercrissake! A bloc of 12-13 million voters, and they’ll go 70 percent Dem, easy. Black voters? 18 mill and they’re a lock to go 80 percent Dem. Gays? In 2012, they rolled with Obama at a 76 percent clip. It’s safe to say that won’t change. Muslims? 2 million strong, and where Mitt got 7 percent in ’12, Trump might be lucky to get 2 percent this year. Asians? This bloc was 3 percent of the electorate, and it went 73 percent Obama.
All these demos, absolute superstomps for Hill/Bernie. Translation—the donkeys will be having a big ole D.C. hee haw on January 20. You won’t be moving to Mazatlan unless you really want to.