Casino industry prepares for intergalactic battle

Astronomers discover alien gaming on moon

Photo By F. Stop Fitzsimian

University of Nevada, Reno, astronomers made the stunning announcement yesterday that they have conclusive evidence that not only do extraterrestrial beings exist, but they’re operating a casino on the moon.

The UNR Astronomical Research Team revealed the findings during a press conference at the Fleischmann Planetarium. Lead Astronomer Edmund Poindexter said the team made the shocking discovery last week when images sent back from a lunar satellite showed activity occurring on the far side of the moon, the region not visible to the naked eye or to Earth’s telescopes. Poindexter said the casino complex boasts 10 hotel towers, a 900-foot tall large-screen marquee and a landing strip large enough to handle dozens of mother ships.

Poindexter said that, while he and his colleagues were excited to find intelligent life beyond our own world, they were concerned about the implications the alien casino may have on the future of gambling in Nevada.

“If this casino offers the loosest slots in the solar system, it could spell doom for the Silver State,” he warned.

The casino industry isn’t wasting any time coming up with ways to attract an intergalactic clientele. Soon after the news broke about the alien casino, the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority beamed a radio commercial to the moon enticing bilingual aliens with the slogan, “Who needs the moon, when Las Vegas has got the stars.” The Reno-Sparks Convention and Visitors Authority will begin an advertising campaign tomorrow to attract alien visitors to the Reno-Tahoe area.

“We want to appeal to the average anal-probing, cattle-mutilating alien worker who needs a break from the daily routine,” says Winn Bigg, a RSCVA marketing executive. “We think the Truckee Meadows is just the place an alien visitor can experience the excitement of gaming as well as the friendliness and hospitality of a small town.”

Some people, however, expressed skepticism about Nevada’s chances against an alien casino.

“First it was the Indian casinos, then Internet casinos, and now this,” says blackjack dealer Hal Spunkendorff. “I think Reno, and maybe even Las Vegas, is going the way of the dinosaur. As for me, I hope they’ve got a decent health plan.”

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