Buy on, you crazy diamonds
The day after Thanksgiving is Black Friday, so called in the parlance of the alternative world because of that day’s disgusting conspicuous consumption, carbon farting traffic and exploding credit card debt.
Metaphorically, it’s the equivalent of the day previous when half the members of lucky families get together, sit on their fat asses watching television and making gluttony the goal of the day.
However, it would be the height of hypocrisy for us to advocate “Buy Nothing Day,” the Adbusters-sponsored holiday that asks people, for that one day of the year, not to shop. We, after all, get to spout our anti-establishment rants because we are funded by glorious consumption, and we know which side our bread is buttered on.
But, as subversives, we can’t help but attempt to pee in the pot. So here goes.
This year, on Black Friday, take public transportation to the mall. If it won’t actually explode your fat-laden arteries and kill you, you might consider walking or biking. Actually, knowing the nature of Reno’s roads, the temper of its drivers and the volume of its maw, it’s probably a better idea to walk.
Now, here’s where we gets almost seditious. (And doesn’t that just feel a little naughty?) We suggest when you are shopping to buy the perfect gift to prove the quality of your love to your family and co-workers, you also buy gifts undermining our government’s addiction to foreign petroleum. It’s a supply and demand thing, and it’s patently obvious that our federal government has no intention of decreasing demand or increasing conservation.
So here you go: Buy that aunt who must keep her thermostat at 75 degrees a cotton or wool sweater. If you can buy a locally made one, even better, then you don’t have that crazy transportation cost to feel guilty about. If you live fairly close to her, you might pick up a digital thermometer for her at your local hardware store. We say only if you live close to her because you’re going to have to install the danged thing. It’s easy, though, a couple of wires. And then, at least she’s not heating the house when she’s taken the Hummer to the Raley’s across town to pick up some Metamucil.
Wouldn’t compact flourescent light bulbs make a great stocking stuffer?
Buy junior a bike. Yes, we know the new WWE SmackDown vs. Raw 2008 is out, but TV sports are not real sports. Make the tubby little bastards get off their asses and on the street. Pedaling away from the psychos, bullies and your crazy aunt in her Hummer will burn calories and increase junior’s body temperature, which, in some karmic “everything is connected way,” will add a milli-degree to your home’s temperature.
Ooh, ooh, here’s a good one: Buy your cetaceous cousin a box of fudge. Maybe that avalanche of sugar will add enough to that layer of subcutaneous blubber that he won’t need to heat his house at all. And then, come first snowfall when the snow shovels come out of storage …
But most of all, have a happy Thanksgiving and a rebellious Black Friday from all of us at the Reno News & Review. Just remember, these may be the best days of your life.