Butchering the family classic

Your Host generally tries to avoid any references to holidays and the like—if only because every other columnist in the country does not. I suppose the exception might be the following, which has developed into something of an annual tradition here.

So without further delay, I again give you my salient holiday rendition (or butchering) of Clement Clark Moore’s “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.” (It is perhaps not exactly poetry for the ages, but I trust my points are well made.)

’Twas the night before Christmas, oh my, or whatever holiday you celebrate when it’s the season to buy. And all through the house, Democrats were acting like a brave little mouse. For they had visions galore of reclaiming power they once had before. They settled down for a long winter’s sleep, with visions of handouts for their many sheep.

With Hillary in her mansion and Edwards in his, it soon came time to revisit the meaning of “is.” Lawyer against lawyer the media did say, until a man named Obama entered the fray. Not exactly Dean, the man of the scream, but Barrack now has Oprah to wreck his own dream.

Then came Dodd and Biden and Gravel, oh my, and there’s Richardson and even anti-war Kucinich to give it a try. Another shot to get that “mandate” to part, even though they’d never had one to start.

And against the war they’d once voted for, what were you thinking in 2004? “War for oil” became their call because President Bush lied to us all. Still in 2006 when they received their charge, even they wouldn’t stop that barge. But “vote for us” in oh-eight they’ll claim, because, after all, “We’re not the same.”

Oh yes and the PATRIOT Act, stealing your liberties had begun, even though it first passed 98 to 1. And though Dingy Harry hated it like vice, he voted for it—not once, but twice. Global warming is now their cause of the day because somehow neo-cons prefer pollution today. But Democrats will save the earth, of course, by taxing big business for all that they’re worth.

And “pro-choice” makes for a nice song, not exactly the opposite of “pro-life” and yet still completely wrong. But when it comes to a real choice, perchance, school vouchers have no real voice or a chance.

And development is bad, you see, because only liberals live in perfect harmony. Affordable housing is not bad for the environment, oh no, because only liberals claim that it’s so. Still, only rich Democrats and celebrity hypocrites can live in sprawling estates from which to have hissy fits.

They claim, “We hate Republicans and all that they stand for because they’re evil and mean and steal from the poor.” But oh how Democrats help both the poor and the sick, by taxing the rich, they help them right quick. And with the media in complete lockdown, it’s only Fox News that makes them frown.

And yet it’s the conservatives and Christian right that are the real threat, those decorations and Ten Commandments that really make them sweat. After all, jihad is really something of an American façade.

They’ll go even further with those votes in the fall, pledging marriage rights and healthcare for all. But guns, oh no, because police and liberals will protect you just so. Like D.C., where murder rate is crime No. 1, and it’s only the poor and criminals who don’t run.

And before my tale runs afoul of the reason. How many of the poor did you help this season?

Happy holidays.