Bruce’s Top Ten

There are not many ways one can contribute something original to Western Culture anymore (although the guys who came up with breakdancing would pick a bone with that statement) and have that something last beyond one’s lifetime. David Letterman, though, I’m pretty sure, has made that breakthrough. For when his body has given up his ghost, and the worms have left nothing of Dave but the gap in his front teeth, there will still be people using the now-fundamental format of The Top Ten List.

And so, with proper homage having been paid, here are The Top Ten Reasons Why I Really Left The X.

10. Gotta hang for a while in a secret Mexican clinic to get peach pits pneumatically pounded up my tail pipe until I get rid of this pesky brain cancer.

9. The gypsy woman told me there was finally gonna be a monster quake in Reno, and that the Harrah’s Employee Parking Garage, which houses the radio station, would be reduced to so much rubble in the river.

8. I’m certain there’s a connection between Dishwalla tunes and this occasional incontinence problem.

7. If I hear “Walk on the Wild Side” one more time, something bad with an ax will happen.

6. Big downtown casinos leaned on management to get rid of the mouth-breather who keeps dissing the City Center Pavilion by calling it “The Shed” and insisting that the place is fit only for beer expos, pie fights and ultimate fighting events.

5. Need six months minimum to get together crazy new art car for Burning Man.

4. Really been having a tough time lately controlling the urge to copy everything Dave Barry does.

3. Federal Communications Commission strongly hinting that on-air use of the word “hell” will soon be a punishable offense.

2. Can’t erase the image in my mind of that photo of me at this year’s office party wearing lampshade, rubber hot pants and big clown shoes.

And the Number One Reason Why I Really Left The X: … Personal parking space was needed for nifty new “employee of the month” promotion.