Bruce solves the sex scandal thing
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. Oh my. Once again, we see a public figure getting sucked down into the media meat grinder, where he will be transformed into a palatable wad of tasty gristle to be bludged, fudged and judged by the public at large. And it didn’t have to be this way. Not at all.
All Tiger had to do is not get married. That’s it. If he didn’t buy into the whole “Well, I guess it’s time to start the family” bit ala some ersatz portrait from an Olan Mills studio, then the media couldn’t touch him. Right now, all he would be after all these “revelations” is the dashing, swinging, bad boy bachelor who’s out there notoriously “sowing some wild oats.” He would not be Super Rat. (And please, Tiger, please—don’t do the Oprah grovel. Please!)
I wish I had been one of Tiger’s drinking buddies back in the summer of ’04. One of his confidantes, a bud who could sit down at the bar with him a couple of months before the Big Day (10-5-04), and say, “Dude. What the hell are you smokin’? I mean, sure, Elin’s a doll and a superb p.o.a. and all, and yeah, you’re crazy about her. I hear all that. But why get married? You’re a good lookin’ sonuvagun, you’re built like some guy Michelangelo would carve, and you’re wealthier than Midas. So why do you want to go and mess it all up by doing something as crazy as promising the world that Elin will be your final lover forever? Think about what you’re tossing away, bro. You could be The George Clooney of Golf. Hell, man, you could out-Clooney Clooney! You’re gonna get the chicks that pass on George! So really, are you sure about all this? Because, Tiger, ole buddy ole pal, you and I both know what a complete sex fiend you really are.”
But I am not here to judge. I’m pretty sure Tiger was hot to get married back in the fall of ’04. Ok, fine. This gives me a chance to put forth yet another one of my super-jiffy “let’s-make-the-world-a-better-place” ideas. And I’m tellin’ ya, that lifetime clause in the marriage racket is a stone cold ball-buster. I mean, when A-Rod signed with the Yankees, did he sign for life? If you want to go lifetime, fine. Go for it. But would it be so horribly wrong and disgustingly immoral for a couple to opt for, say, a three-year deal for starters? With an option to extend at the expiration date? Let’s get friggin’ real here and deal with the fact that we’re living in the hot and steamy 21st century, and then let’s do some tweaking on these antediluvian social contracts of ours. You want to strengthen the institution of marriage? Don’t weird out about the gays. Make it attractive to the modern scatterbrain saddled with a semi-debauched moral code.
People like Tiger. John Ensign. Jim Gibbons. Britney Spears. Me. Mark Sanford. Eliot Spitzer. Etc. Etc. Etc.. Etc. Etc. Etc.