Brothers v. Grimm

These nice guys finish first, and all over the faces of the crowd.

These nice guys finish first, and all over the faces of the crowd.

Rated 1.0

Having put it off as long as I could, I sat myself down for a Saturday night, near midnight screening of Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience. I had heard a few of their so-called tunes in the past, so I was quite sure what was coming wouldn’t impress me on the musical front. Still, it’s 3-D, and I had managed to almost enjoy the Hannah Montana concert because of all the nifty visuals.

I was completely alone in the theater, so that killed any chance of it feeling like a true concert-going experience. The lovely manager came in to wish me luck, obviously finding the humor in my solo Jonas experience. Then the damned thing started, and what transpired sucked my soul out of my eye sockets and transported it to places unknown. If you should find my soul, crumpled in a corner covering its ears and begging for it all to stop, please return it. I feel incomplete now.

These little dumb asses have the audacity to ape The Beatles’ A Hard Day’s Night in their opening credit sequence. They spend a few minutes running from screaming, adoring young girl fans “Fab Four” style, and the whole thing is choreographed in a self-important, “We’re so cool!” kind of way. Bile was starting to rise in my throat, and the damned concert hadn’t even started.

Any hopes that the music would’ve been at least tolerable were immediately dispelled the moment Joe Jonas opened his evil mouth and emitted his whiny, suck-ass vocals. These guys suck so much, they’ve created all new, frightening levels of suckage not yet detected on any suckmeter before. I don’t care if they are nice young guys. I don’t care if they’re Christians who haven’t had sex yet and that makes them good role models … THEY SUCK!!!

I shit you not … a moment when one of the annoying bastards sings an acoustic ballad caused my face to contort in such a way that I bit my tongue. Not a little pinch, but a big old solid chunk crushed in a desperate bid to brace myself for audio travesty.

In a weird display of contempt for their adoring fans, Joe Jonas (or one of the other ones … they are interchangeable), about mid-concert, basically ejaculates all over his young girl audience. (And, because it’s in 3-D, all over us. Yay!) He picks up a big super soaker hose thing, and sprays what looks like jizz all over the girls in the good seats, matting their hair with a white, foamy substance. No joke. He asks, “Are you ready?’ and sprays fake cum all over them.

Did they make these kids sign a waiver before the concert? “We kindly need your permission for the Jonas Brothers to jack in your hair during this show! Please sign here!” If you look closely, you can see some of the audience touching the stuff in an “Eww!” like manner. These kids thought they were showing up for a Disney, family friendly show … not a GWAR concert!

You know you suck when the two mediocre artists who show up for guest numbers tower above you in talent. Country music honeybee Taylor Swift comes up out of the floor near concert’s end and delivers a performance that is epic in comparison to the Jonas dreck. Some young girl named Demi Lovato, sort of a Miley Cyrus clone, popped out of the floor as well, and she also managed to vanquish the demonic Jonas spawn.

On my way home from this nightmare, my iPod shuffle served up U2 performing “A Day Without Me” off their debut LP, Boy. I couldn’t help but notice how awesome a song it is, and it’s notable that Bono was just 20 years old when he delivered the epic tune. Joe Jonas is almost 20, so age is no excuse for his immaturity and pure awfulness as a performer.