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Ask A Mexican

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Dear Readers: Contrary to what some of ustedes think, racist gabachos or self-hating Mexicans aren’t my only fans. Many of our friendly neighbors to the Great White Norte also love the Mexican. In honor of my hometown Anaheim Ducks pounding on pussy Canadians to win the NHL Stanley Cup, I dedicate this week’s column to ellos:

Dear Mexican: Why do Americans bitch about Mexicans stealing jobs? I see white guys overseeing Mexican crews constantly. The only thing I can think of that would make a white guy hire Mexicans is if they’re willing to work for less pay than Americans. Lots of Americans like getting more for less, so why do they complain if lots of American bosses like getting more for less? Also, lots of Americans praise values like working hard and taking care of their families yet jobs go unfilled because they won’t “work beneath their dignity.” Mexicans will “work beneath their dignity” so they can feed their families. So how do Mexicans “steal” jobs that Americans don’t want and why is it bad that they work like this? Am I missing something here?

—Canadian Tourist

Dear Hoser: Why do Americans bitch about Mexicans stealing jobs? Why does the Mexican jumping bean jump? Gabachos whining about immigrants (whether legal or illegal) undercutting the American working man is as essential to this country’s bedrock of liberty as the blood spilled on Iwo Jima. What’s most fascinating about this psychosis is how it continues to persist despite everyone knowing who the true culprit is: the free market. Sorry, Tom Tancredo: you can erect all the border walls and sic all the migra agents you want to keep Mexicans away, but if Big Business wants wabs, Big Business will get wabs. Deny our captains of industry the right to hire who they please, and we’ll turn into a stagnant economy on the depths of Mexico.

I know that to Mexicans, a Canadian probably seems like another serving of mayonnaise. But Canadians and Mexicans have a lot in common. We both put up with a lot of the same bullshit from a certain you-know-who across the border; you might say, in fact, that we’re like the two slices of bread on either side of a big bullshit sandwich. Do you think there will ever be greater cooperation between our two peoples? I wonder if the Mexicans who dream of America might dream of Canada instead? I know it’s damn cold up here, but we do have great health care so after your balls freeze off, we can sew them back on again free of charge. For every Mexican who moves to Canada, we could send one Canadian back to Mexico—or if you don’t want all those Canadians, we could send blocks of ice to help ease the summer raspado shortages.

—Juan Canuck

Dear Hoser: We’re already amigos. In 2004, the two countries signed the Canada-Mexico Partnership in honor of the 60th anniversary of diplomatic relations between los dos. As with most treaties involving Mexico, the CMP benefits mostly Mexicans—for instance, Canadian industries are helping redevelop the northern Mexican cities of Matamoros and Reynosa and provided millions of dollars in credit to Mexican businesses. As a result, Mexicans are flocking to Canada like never before—according to a Mexican governmental report, the number of Mexicans in Canada increased almost 94 percent, from 22,035 to 42,740 from 1991 to 2001 (note to American readers: Canada takes its census in every denary year ending with a 1. Silly Canadians!). I gotta hand it to you moose eaters: while most gabachos are celebrating the defeat of the amnesty bill in a manner better befitting Osama’s capture, ustedes are making nice with us. When the conquest of Aztlán is complete, we shall remember your kindness and offer Guatemala as a token of goodwill.

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