Bizarre love triangle

This movie sucks (and not just blood).

This movie sucks (and not just blood).

Rated 1.0

Somebody needs to buy actress Kristen Stewart an ice cream cone with sprinkles and cheer her somber ass up. The young actress, who has turned in good work elsewhere, is totally killing the Twilight movies with her sullen, hyperventilating lovesick routine.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon is actually better than its predecessor, Twilight: Suck Ass!, but still not good enough to recommend. Much of the blame rests squarely on the supple shoulders of Stewart, who seems miserable to be part of the whole thing. Yes, I know her part calls for her to be miserable at times. I’m saying that she seems downright resentful for the entire film experience, even in the five or 10 minutes her character, the ever-downtrodden Bella Swan, is supposed to be moderately happy.

How does this film count as an improvement over the shit pile that was the first movie? For starters, Edward Cullen, the lamest vampire ever, played by Robert Pattinson, spends much of the film’s running time off screen. His character breaks up early on with Bella to protect her and journeys off somewhere to pout.

I consider this plot development a blessing because Pattinson’s “I love you, but I still want to suck your blood … bleh, bleh!” routine got tired in the first 15 minutes of the original film. In the little time that he’s around in this one, he acts his part in mega sulk mode, and the pale face make-up and styling hairdo combo makes him look like some sort of anemic hipster clown.

As Jacob Black, the buff werewolf guy, Taylor Lautner steps up his role a few notches via a new haircut and fabulous workout system—or, as Bella jokes upon his first appearance, anabolic steroids. Lautner, while nothing to scream about as an actor, has a sweet enough screen presence, and he handles some of the emotional stuff much better than his cohorts. When Bella finds herself essentially in a love triangle with Dracula and the Wolf Man, it’s quite shocking to see who she picks.

I’ll say it: Lautner is far dreamier, and his abs alone should’ve scored Jacob the Bella boyfriend gig. That, and the fact that he manages to smile every once in a while.

Apparently, Bella’s into effed up eyebrows over abs. I know this sounds shallow but come on … HAVE YOU SEEN TAYLOR LAUTNER’S ABS?! They’re like the exaggerated abs on a Batman suit, except he’s not wearing a Batman suit!

I confess, I actually found myself liking this nonsense during the middle part, where Bella rebuilds motorcycles with Jacob, and things are relatively chill. Then Edward reappears to poop on the fabulous ab party by threatening to commit suicide when he thinks Bella is dead.

Director Chris Weitz drops all sorts of Romeo and Juliet references, in case you don’t see the suicide parallel. Subtle references like Bella reading a copy of Romeo and Juliet or Bella watching the movie Romeo and Juliet in class. In the end, this series isn’t really about sexy vampires and werewolves at all. It’s about a teenager with serious codependency issues who can’t be left alone for a goddamn minute.

I’m hoping high school girls who count themselves as fans of this stuff handle their future breakups with a little more grace than Bella. If not, America’s high school hallways are going to become emotional twisters of pain and suffering.

One must also ask the question: Just what the heck is going on with Stewart’s hysterical love spasms? Many of us have experienced that burning, painful, yearning love that might affect us physically, but Stewart plays it like she has dysentery and her broken heart is going to pass through her butthole.

No doubt, these Twilight things are going to be coming at us for a while. We need a campaign to make Stewart happier, so everybody needs to send her love on Facebook, or cookies to her house.