Awards with friends

While I might have the Oscars on in the other room while I write or play Words with Friends, I don’t intend to watch the ceremony from start to finish.

This is because I hate Billy Crystal as a host. I hate him so very, very much.

My favorite host of the show, ever, is Steve Martin, followed by Jon Stewart and Johnny Carson. Hell, I liked David Letterman more as a host than Crystal. And knowing that Eddie Murphy had the gig this year and quit just makes me angry. I think that show would’ve been something to see.

As it is, we’re going to get the stupid Crystal song and dance to start things off, then smarmy one-liners all night that fall flatter than Pepsi Throwback left in the fridge, the can opened and fermenting next to the green bread and perky mouse that just seems to love it in there. Man, I really have to clean.

So, I will catch glimpses. I will walk by the TV and witness parts of the car crash, but I will monitor the winners on that little thing called the internet rather than enduring Crystal’s jokes about his wacky uncle’s car.

As for the nominees this year, there were some epic snubs along with some nice surprises, and one nomination that I still can’t believe happened. It actually scares me that it is in consideration. I might need some help.

Best Picture

The Artist

The Descendants

Hugo

The Tree of Life

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

War Horse

Midnight in Paris

Moneyball

The Help

I think The Artist is one of those movies that people will like voting for so they can feel all cool and arty and different, so I’m betting it will take the big prize. The Tree of Life would get my vote because it is easily the best film of the year. Also, voting for it makes me feel cool and arty and different.

The worst nomination of the year, and possibly ever, is Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. How this absolutely awful film got in there is beyond me. Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock have a lot of friends with votes, and those two stars must give kick-ass oral pleasure.

In the no-chance-whatsoever department, we have the enjoyable Moneyball, the overrated Midnight in Paris and the so-so War Horse. The Descendants had some momentum, but it’s fading faster than a racehorse fed tranquilizers and beer before the gate opened and then shot in the face during the second turn by a shady guy wearing a fedora and smoking Camel Menthols.

If The Artist fails to win, I suspect this would go to Hugo, but don’t count out The Help, this year’s “Movie That Has Won a Lot of Awards and Doesn’t Deserve a Single Damned One of Them.”

Should Win: The Tree of Life

Will Win: The Artist

Best Actor

George Clooney, The Descendants

Brad Pitt, Moneyball

Demian Bichir, A Better Life

Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

It’s a tough call in this category, although, for starters, I would eliminate Oldman’s rather bland performance. Pitt was terrific, but not showy enough to take home the Oscar. Bichir was OK, but I feel snubbed nominees such as Michael Shannon (Take Shelter) and Ryan Gosling (Drive) were more deserving of his slot.

I’m pretty undecided with this one. I think Clooney did the best of the nominated lot, but Dujardin had one of the more unique roles to come along in a century, and he pulled it off. I’m going with Dujardin. If I change my mind, I will post my thoughts on a bulleting board in some coffeehouse somewhere.

Actually, nope, I’ve changed my mind before turning this thing in. Going with Clooney. Probably wrong, but, to quote Mickey Rourke, “Sometimes you just have to roll the potato!” I don’t know what that means.

Should Win: George Clooney

Will Win: George Clooney

Best Actress

Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs

Viola Davis, The Help

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Until a few weeks ago, I thought Streep was a lock here, and I feel she deserves the award. Close worked hard in a movie that sucked, as did Mara. I loved Williams in Marilyn, but feel Streep just smoked everybody here, not to mention all the other movies that hit screens in 2011. Her performance was one of her very best, and that’s saying a lot.

That said, Viola Davis is going to win because she was in The Help, and people LOVE The Help. Not enough to make it Best Picture, but enough to throw a lot of performance awards at it.

Should Win: Meryl Streep

Will Win: Viola Davis

Actor in a Supporting Role

Jonah Hill, Moneyball

Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn

Nick Nolte, Warrior

Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Worst snub of the year goes to Albert Brooks with the Academy ignoring him for his amazing turn in Drive. Truly something the Academy should be ashamed of. Von Sydow basically stole the nomination for a film that should be competing for the Razzies rather than Oscars. Everybody else in this category did good work. Of those contending, my pick would be Nolte for his grizzled—of course—father in Warrior.

However, I have no doubt that Plummer will be victorious. On a side note, it would be so badass if he whipped out an acoustic guitar for a live rendition of “Edelweiss” for his acceptance speech. No words, no thank yous, just “Edelweiss.” I would seriously cry.

Should Win: Nick Nolte

Will Win: Christopher Plummer

Actress in a Supporting Role

Bérénice Bejo, The Artist

Jessica Chastain, The Help

Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs

Octavia Spencer, The Help

While she was very good in The Help, Jessica Chastain should’ve been nominated for Take Shelter or The Tree of Life in this category. Excluding McTeer, I like all of the performances in this category, especially Bejo and McCarthy. I would love to see McCarthy win here, but my gut and a little bit of my pancreas tell me Spencer.

While I did like most of the performers in this category, I would happily swap one of them (McTeer!) out to see Keira Knightley nominated for A Dangerous Method.

Should Win: Melissa McCarthy

Will Win: Octavia Spencer

Best Director

Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Alexander Payne, The Descendants

Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Woody Allen, Midnight In Paris

Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life

So glad to see Malick get a nomination here after the Directors Guild of America inexplicably ignored him. He won’t win, for sure, but good to see him in the bunch.

Hazanavicius won with the DGA, and I think he’ll take this award. His silent film feat was impressive.

Should Win: Terrence Malick

Will Win: Michel Hazanavicius

Other Predictions:

Best Animated Film: Rango

Cinematography: Hugo

Art Direction: Hugo

Costume Design: The Artist

Documentary Feature: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory

Documentary Short: The Barber of Birmingham

Film Editing: Hugo

Foreign Language: A Separation

Makeup: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Music (Original Score): Hugo

Music (Original Song): “Man or Muppet” from The Muppets

Short Film (Animated): La Luna

Short Film (Live Action): Pentecost

Sound Editing: Hugo

Sound Mixing: Hugo

Visual Effects: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Screenplay (Adapted): The Descendants

Screenplay (Original): Midnight in Paris