An orgy of screens—literally

The mood was festive at this year’s International Consumer Electronics Show, as wholesalers, retailers, electronic enthusiasts and slack-jawed journalists toured more than 1.2 million square feet of exhibitions at the Las Vegas Convention Center. The show ran from Jan. 8-11.

The noise was incredible. Every innovative bass speaker was turned to 11; slick spokespeople hawked their wares amid a candy-colored technology extravaganza that must have left some old hippies feeling like they’d stepped into a Willie Wonka flashback.

Everyone sought glimpses of the newest, fastest, slimmest, biggest, smallest gadgets that have ever been placed on the American consumer’s plate.

One thing became clear as I wandered through the Technicolor wonderland: This is a man’s world. Men outnumber women at CES at least four to one. The testosterone levels, mitigated only by the geek factor, were as high here as you’d find at any tractor pull.

“You can’t see it all; it’s impossible,” said one man as he stood in line to have a poster autographed by the actual model who posed with the … What was it? A car alarm? A cellular phone headset? I frankly don’t recall, my photo doesn’t show, and my notes don’t specify. I may have been distracted.

Call me Pollyanna, but somehow I expected the marketing of all these expensive silicon-driven devices to be on a more cerebral level. Let me rephrase that: I mean I expected all these expensive silicon-chip-driven devices to be marketed on a more cerebral level.

Everywhere I looked, there were screens. Wide screens, big screens, itty-bitty screens, screens so highly defined that I felt as though I could reach inside and caress the swimsuit-clad model or tropical fish or dewy flower. In fact, if a theme was what I was after, the screen’s the thing. Monitors are being made to fit on car stereos, on the back of automobile headrests, on cellular phones—anywhere that the human mind could experience a moment of tedium or sensory deprivation.

In fact, the new marvel that Bill Gates unveiled during his keynote speech, Mira, is a movable monitor, a computer screen that will take the convenience of information consumption to all-new heights. Maybe. The demo model was bigger than a laptop and not as useful.

Ten thousand screens and not a remote control in sight.

Cars were another big draw this year. PDAs and cell phones notwithstanding, it is no longer acceptable to be unplugged while a person travels from one desktop to another. Perhaps the visual format is better because the driver’s ears are oozing blood from the latest sonic innovations. But cars are not only a niche to be marketed to, they are also a niche to be marketed with. A four-wheel-drive truck can be made even more alluring with a 6-billion-watt stereo, a snazzy paint job and a vulvic display area.

“I guess that’s why they call it the ‘tunnel of love,’ “ one journalist with an elegant English accent said as his camerawoman crawled inside for a tight shot of an amplifier. With her legs hanging out, it looked like the auto was giving birth. Breach.

To my mind, the biggest hit of the show was satellite radio for cars. XM Radio, which launched in September, and Sirius, which will launch on Feb. 14, promise commercial-free, digital radio perfection in cars. For $10-$12.95 per month per unit, plus the cost of the receiver, gone will be those annoying local personalities, local news and local commercials. The only thing that could possibly interrupt a blissful driving experience is that friendly but sonorous voice proclaiming, “You’ve got mail.”

Technology. It’s a beautiful thing, man.