An open letter to Dubya
Dear Your Presidentship,
Since I am a deeply concerned citizen, and since I haven’t got anything to do for the rest of this week, and since it looks like a pretty easy gig, I have decided to become your Presidential Adviser.
C’mon, don’t get all misty on me. It’s the least I can do.
You might be interested to know that Presidential Advisering is in my blood—no, wait, that’s residue from last night’s Chianti, an insouciant little table wine with a delicate bouquet—well, anyway, I’m available to work with you from now right up until Saturday afternoon’s XFL Festival of Incompetence. That’s when I hang out with NFL players, because it’s fun to watch big guys laugh their asses off.
OK, it’s time to go to work. Right away, I have some Presidential Advice: First of all, if the American people refuse to let you let the oil industry savage the Alaskan wilderness, do not, under any circumstances, go to your Secret Plan B. I can understand your eagerness to see that Daddy’s pals make back all that money they spent on buying you the election, but drilling at night so nobody will find out is just too risky. Moose are terrible blabbermouths, and caribou will say anything to get on TV.
Another thing: You kept insisting that, “My cabinet reflects my beliefs,” and then you knowingly picked a notorious homophobic racist for attorney general. That was not cool, Dubya. (Now that we’re working together, might as well be informal, right?) Based on your own words, that Ashcroft nomination will probably give a lot of perceptive, intelligent, reasonable citizens the crazy idea that you yourself are a homophobic racist. What’s wrong with those people?
Speaking of your own words, STOP USING THEM. I’m sorry, Dub, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’re just too—well, you shouldn’t be talking to anybody smarter than you are, which is just about everybody, and I mean that in the nicest way.
It’s really all the reporters’ faults. They just don’t get you.
When you say things like, “Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature, because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.” (Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000), and, “The Democrats want the federal government controlling Social Security like it’s some kind of federal program.” (St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000), what happens is that the mean-spirited media (except for Fox News) report it accurately, instead of asking your daddy’s hand-picked fact-benders what you really meant to say.
This is just another reason for you to go ahead and see what you can do about repealing the First Amendment, which is the one right there at the top of the Bill of Rights, if you should ever run across a copy. No pictures, but it’s a short read.
One last thing. You’ve got to get a handle on conjugating—on using the right forms of the verb “to be.”
I know, I know, English is a damn tough language, but people are going to start thinking you’re about 12 steps short of a program if you keep saying things like:
“Our priorities is our faith.” (Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000), and,
“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” (Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000), and,
“Laura and I really don’t realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.” (CNBC, April 15, 2000).
Y’see, Dubbo, people aren’t going to think you’re as smart as you think you are if you keep reminding them that you’re as stupi—