OK, so the Mueller report was released to the dogface fellow who is currently impersonating an attorney general on March 22. Bowserman then came out with his “tainted love letter” two days later, prompting President Embarrassment to proclaim himself free, stable and exonerated, totally exonerated, “I’m so exonerated it’s not funny! God, I love the poorly educated!” Prompting all of us who just can’t stand the guy to say, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, piss off, and let us see the full unredacted report. We’ll take it from there, thank you.” So here we are, two bleeping months later, and we still haven’t seen The Full Uncut Mueller Report.
Pardon my French, but—what the fuck is this bullshit?
In the two months since Agent Orange proclaimed himself as pure as the driven snow, Mueller has been heard to say—absolutely nothing. Hey Bob, I’m sorry, but the longer you don’t speak, the more entrenched Capone’s horse shit becomes. Come on, brotha Roberto, it’s time for you to get your ass out on the talk show circuit and spread the word that Dum Dum is about as “innocent” as O.J.-friggin’-Simpson. (Hey, 900 prosecutors can’t be wrong!) We need to hear from you. Now. But what we heard last week from Jerry Nadler, the head of the Judiciary Committee, is that you may testify, but it will be—a closed door session?
What the fuck is this bullshit?
Richard Neal, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, made a completely proper, completely legal request of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin (the man who puts the douche in fiduciary) when he asked for Twitler’s taxes. Mnuchin refused, and he still walks the streets, untouched, unsullied, unarrested and unpunished.
Millions of American women are steamed out of their minds after seeing fatass Retrumplickan men with names like Skeeter Dunlap and Randy Joe Kazbunker pass insanely draconian new abortion laws in various redneck states, leading many to ask, WTFITBS? (Interestingly, the abortion issue is almost as big a slam dunk with us regular folk as national background checks for guns. A new poll from Quinnipiac University asked “Roe V. Wade: Keep or Overturn?” A solid 67 percent said leave it alone, with 28 percent overturn.)
And, finally, Bill Nye the Science Guy was sputtering WTFITBS after listening to a retro Retrumplickan congressman wax ignorant about climate change. “The planet’s on fucking fire. There are several options to put out the proverbial fire on Earth. Are any of them free? No, of course not, you idiots. Grow the fuck up. You’re adults now.”