A Grimm season

Our movie critic’s preview guide to this fall’s flock of flicks

Lars von Trier is a crazy asshole, but his movies can be pretty cool. Kirsten Dunst stars.

Lars von Trier is a crazy asshole, but his movies can be pretty cool. Kirsten Dunst stars.

The summer was anemic and often embarrassing when it came to cinema. But here comes fall to make things all better with lots of movies starring Ryan Gosling and George Clooney.

The following is but a smattering of pictures that shall be coming your way in the brown and orange months. Use this guide wisely. Let it be your Sherpa.

Drive (Sept. 16): Ryan Gosling stars as a super cool, heroic guy who drives a lot. I have a man-crush on Ryan Gosling. I’m proud to admit it.

Moneyball (Sept. 23): Brad Pitt stars as Billy Beane, the guy who built a championship baseball team for something like 50 bucks.

Dolphin Tale (Sept. 23): Well, this is perhaps number one on my list of films I couldn’t give a shit about. Some stupid dolphin loses a tail, but gets a prosthetic, so it’s all good. Then a bunch of assholes cry and piss and moan, or at least they do in the trailer.

Every time I see the trailer, I just want to get up and punch the screen when Morgan Freeman pops up. I usually love the guy, but I just want to punch him for some reason. I think it’s the bow tie. And that stupid little wimpy kid thinks he’s such a hot shot actor, but I say he sucks! DAMN THIS MOVIE AND EVERYBODY IN IT TO HELL!!!

Eh, who knows … might be a good film.

50/50 (Sept. 30): Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a young man who gets hit with cancer, and Seth Rogen tries to help him with his struggles in this comedy. Rogen is now the go-to guy for cancer comedies after this and Funny People.

Real Steel (Oct. 7): Hugh Jackman plays a guy who promotes robot fights. The robot fights are like cock fights, excepting for the fact that the cocks are robots. I’m not saying they are robot cocks. They are just big robots, with no apparent cocks to be found. Directed by Shawn Levy, which is rarely a good thing.

The Ides of March (Oct. 7): George Clooney gets back in the director’s chair and costars in this political drama costarring Ryan Gosling, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giamatti. Clooney had a slight misfire with his last directorial effort, the overcooked Leatherheads, but this one’s cast has me psyched for dramatic fireworks.

The Thing (Oct. 14): This is a prequel to John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) that shows what happened before the title monster made it over to Kurt Russell’s camp and did very bad things to dogs and Wilford Brimley.

Leonardo DiCaprio plays J. Edgar Hoover while Clint Eastwood directs. Will this be the Oscar year for Leo?

Footloose (Oct. 14): A remake of one of the dumbest successful movies ever made. Hey Hollywood, go screw.

Trespass (Oct. 14): Oscar winner Nicole Kidman is now slumming in Joel Schumacher movies. (Actually, she was in Batman Forever, so that makes her a repeat offender.) Nicolas Cage is in this ransom movie too, although we expect stupid shit movie behavior from him at this point.

Eh, who knows … could be swell.

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (Nov. 4): Yes, they are back and, yes, Neil Patrick Harris behaves badly in it and, yes, I am sort of kind of happy about this.

Tower Heist (Nov. 4): Looks like Eddie Murphy might be back to his old self for this heist movie with Ben Stiller. I like the cinematic prospect of them double-crossing Alan Alda a.k.a Hawkeye.

My Week with Marilyn (Nov. 4): Michelle Williams plays Marilyn Monroe in this one. Let’s see if she scores an Oscar nomination for the second year in a row after her nod for Blue Valentine.

J. Edgar (Nov. 9): Leonardo DiCaprio plays J. Edgar Hoover while Clint Eastwood directs. Will this be the Oscar year for Leo? Unless this is just a movie of J. Edgar Hoover practicing his putting in the backyard, I expect this one to be a contender. Actually, it could probably contend even if it was the putting movie. The kids love golf!

Melancholia (Nov. 9): Lars von Trier is a crazy asshole, but his movies can be pretty cool. Kirsten Dunst stars.

Jack and Jill (Nov. 9): Adam Sandler plays both a brother and sister in this film from Dennis Dugan. Let it be said that I don’t trust this director.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part I (Nov. 18): Man, I forgot they split the final chapter of this dreck into two parts. I have heard that the final novel is bizarre, so maybe they’ll get all arty and cool with this one. And maybe large, nasty carpenter ants will overtake the state of Texas, start their own system of government, and eradicate unemployment.

Hugo (Nov. 23): Martin Scorsese’s first foray into 3-D is a kid’s movie starring Chloe Moretz. I like the sound

of this.

The 3-D CGI adventure The Adventures of Tintin directed by Steven Spielberg.

The Muppets (Nov. 23): OK, now we’re talking. Jason Segel and friends take over the Muppet franchise, and get Amy Adams to costar. This must rock—it must.

The Descendants (Nov. 23): Alexander Payne’s first movie since Sideways casts George Clooney as a guy trying to raise his daughters while dealing with major personal obstacles. Looks like Clooney will be in the heat of many different Oscar races this season.

We Need to Talk About Kevin (Dec. 2): Tilda Swinton and the ever so busy John C. Reilly star in what looks to be one of the darker movies of the season. Never count Swinton out of the Oscar race.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (Dec. 9): Gary Oldman gets a big old Oscar buzzy role for the first time in a long time.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (Dec. 16): Robert Downey Jr. returns as Super Holmes, the new badass version of the classic detective. Noomi Rapace of the original The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is along for the ride.

The Iron Lady (Dec. 26): Meryl Streep plays Margaret Thatcher. That’s an automatic Oscar nomination

right there.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Dec. 21): David Fincher, last year’s Best Director Oscar winner, directs a remake of a film that seriously didn’t need to be remade. I’m sure Fincher will work some of his usual magic with this, but it seems like a strange project.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Dec. 21): Tom Cruise climbs stuff and screams the Cruise scream when things blow up in close proximity, as they often do in these films. I like watching Cruise scream, so I count this as one I am looking forward to.

The Adventures of Tintin (Dec. 23) and War Horse (Dec. 30): Steven Spielberg directs two films in the same month. One of them is a 3-D CGI adventure and another is about some horse

running all over God’s creation.

That’s crazy!

We Bought a Zoo (Dec. 23): Director Cameron Crowe returns with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson as a married couple who do precisely what the title implies.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (Dec. 25): Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock costar in this 9/11 drama directed by Stephen Daldry.