4 a.m. wake-up

Well dadgummit. This was supposed to be the morning where I woke up, the sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, and I could turn on the idiot box and watch ol’ Donaldo wave goodbye in some ornery snide way and then hop into a chopper with Melania Stepford and head back to Mar Y Lago and disappear for a good long while.

So what the hell is going on here? I feel like I’m suddenly trapped in some kind of Talking Heads song: “How did I get here? This is not my happy Hillary scenario! This is not my foot tapping out a victory tune!”

I woke up at 4 a.m., like many of you, I’m sure. One of those 4 a.m. wake-ups where you say to yourself, “Oh fuck. That really did happen.” And then, of course … there’s no going back to sleep. It’s time for coffee. A bucket of it. Sit in front of the TV, terrified of the remote. Eventually, you press the “on” button. So it begins. Moving forward. Sigh. You gotta be shitting me.

As bad as I feel, and in all my presidential elections, this one is easily the most suckedest … easily. Well, 2000 sucked pretty good. All that bullshit in Florida with the goddamn chads and the Supreme Court and the endless grind of it all. There was horror at Dubya mixed with the bizarre theater of the incredible tightness of it all. So that sucked pretty good. But this is right there in terms of suckage.

The incredible tightness. Again. As of right now, 10:45 a.m. on Wednesday morning, Nov. 9, Hillary is winning the popular vote. Yep. Just like Gore in 2000. With 95 percent of the national vote counted, Hill has 59.6 million votes, Don has 59.4. I’m not gonna make a screech about the electoral college. All this popular vote number proves is that California is a butt-kicking Blue state. Indeed, Hillary won by 2 million votes in Cali alone. But whatever solace one can take from a popular vote win, well, there it is.

Nevada did its part. I feel great about us libs here in the Silver State. Hillary—check. Catherine—check. Pot—check. Gun background check—check. Goddamn, we rocked here in Nevada and brought it on home. So what’s up with all these pissy white rednecks in Ohio, Michigan and Pennsylvania?

One tiny offering of possible solace. I remember a few years back when Arnold became the governor of California. It was a victory that scared a lot of folks. And then, lo and behold, Arnold turned out to … not be horrible. Is it possible … just maybe? Please?