Two idiomas? ¡Ándale!

Dear Mexican:

I just read that Speedy Gonzales is getting his own feature film and will be voiced by George Lopez. I read in the The Hollywood Reporter that Lopez said he gave Speedy his “Latino Seal of Approval.” Who grants this seal? What does it look like? And how did Lopez get it?

—Hija of the MiscegeNation

Dear Wabette:

Isn’t it nice to know that Mexicans in Hollywood, once they reach a modicum of success, become as hackish and hackneyed as their gabacho counterparts? Sorry to sound so whiny, but shame on Lopez for bringing back Gonzales. For starters, only Mel Blanc and his imitators are allowed to voice Speedy—Lopez’s gravelly voice will turn the mouse’s high-pitched voice into a cacophonous bola de caca. Lopez also shows that, by resurrecting Speedy from the celluloid graveyard, he’d rather rip off the works of others than try to give young Latino talent a chance, just like Sandra Bullock gave Lopez a shot with his eponymous sitcom so long ago—way to pay it forward, George! Finally, the assurances by Lopez and his wife that their Speedy film won’t showcase the “racist” Speedy proves not only that the two are P.C. pendejos, but pendejos, period. As the Mexican has written in this columna multiple times, Speedy Gonzales cartoons were not racist depictions of Mexican culture but rather clever allegories in which the seemingly dumb Speedy—standing in for mexicanos—consistently outwitted the dumb gabachos portrayed by Sylvester the Cat and, occasionally, Yosemite Sam.

In Mexican culture, do you know of any special significance attached to a woman giving a lock of her hair to a man as a gift?

—Peludo Nuevamente

Dear Newly Hairy Gabacho:

If you can’t get that a mujer giving you a lock of her hair wants you, then you probably thought she wanted you to use it as a mustache. No seas pendejo.

This column—although very intelligent and respected for the knowledge that the answers or responses are derived from—I find it very degrading to the Mexican culture. The broken Spanish is very New Mexican. I believe that throwing in some Spanish words here and there teaches the use of improper English, and I think it’s you that will set an example for the Mexican people that read your column. They should get to see that there are intelligent Mexican people who learned the English language and master two languages rather than running it altogether and sounding ridiculous as well as feeding the “Mexican” stereotype.

—Custodian of Cervantes

Dear Wab:

Roto Spanish, muy New Mexican? Yo thought era Tex-mexicanos who hablar Spanglish very mucho. Spanglish es the modo where yo can enseñar my facilidad with las two idiomas, fucking pinche asshole pendejo loser. Besides, más better a show gabachos that mexicanos can usar two lenguas instead que just una—and también elite fresas like usted.

REMEMBER: Keep sending in those anti-Mexican regional ethnic slurs! The best one I’ve received so far: fronchi, what folks in El Paso call unassimilated Mexicans. It’s an acronym of Frontera Chihuahua, which is what license plates from the Mexican state of Chihuahua across the U.S. border state.

CONFIDENTIAL TO: The Dallas reader who sent me a page filled with photocopied, carefully cut-out mug shots of Latino-surnamed pedophiles with the note, “It’s nice how illegal Mexicans love children, isn’t it?” You obviously didn’t read the column where I pointed out the Bureau of Justice’s stats show white men are twice more likely to commit sexual assaults than Mexican men. Also, how can you tell they’re illegal Mexicans? Just because of their surname? You know what they say about assumptions—they make a güey out of you and tú!