The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

In the unlikely event I obtain the power to give life to inanimate objects, I’d love to collect Nicolas Cage’s myriad bizarre hairpieces, house them in a South Beach mansion and film them for a reality show called The Real Toupees of Nic Cage. They could swap stories of abuse and mystical pretension while lounging by the pool, getting interviewed by Andy Cohen and abusing their personal assistants. Such nonsense is the only way to abide Cage’s latest nonsensical omnipotence myth, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, which is also the most recent Disney-effects dud to be sort of based on a Disney classic (so it’s only sort of a desecration!). Cage sports a stringy gray number as centuries-old wizard Balthazar Blake, who recruits Cera-awkward nerd Dave (Jay Baruchel, thoroughly unappealing) to retrieve the soul of an evil magician and save the world.