The importance of being Arrrrrrnold

Recently, our beloved movie star turned governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, decided to break with tradition and refuse to release his tax returns for 2003. Unlike his predecessors, Arrrrrrnold won’t even say how much he earned.

“Fuck you, asshole!” Schwarzenegger did say (in the movie The Terminator). Later, Schwarzenegger added, “It’s not a tumor!” (as cop turned kindergarten teacher John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop.)

“He’s releasing the numerator but not the denominator,” responded Jamie Court, president of the Foundation for Taxpayer and Consumer Rights.” (Note Court’s subtle use of the words “numerator” and “denominator” to play off the title of Schwarzenegger’s popular film The Terminator.)

“This is Schwarzenegger’s trademark: only showing half the picture,” Court added, making sly reference to the governor’s previous career as a movie star. “It’s showing the trailer and not the movie.”

The benefit of Schwarzenegger’s strategy is that if we don’t know how much he makes, we have no idea what loopholes he’s using. Thus, we’re kept in the dark as to what policies he enacts that may benefit him personally.

But hey, Arrrrrrnold is filthy rich—far richer than any of us ever will be—with a net worth of roughly $100 million. Although he reportedly paid nearly $3 million in taxes and gave away more than $1 million, what exactly did the man who once played Danny DeVito’s twin brother deduct from his 2003 taxes?

Let’s find out in a little playlet called The Importance of Being Arrrrrrnold.

SCENE ONE

Morning room of the governor’s mansion in Sacramento. The governor is at the window looking out at his garden. He is evidently in a state of great mental excitement and distress. Before him is seated a tax examiner.

TAX EXAMINER

My dear governor, the only thing worse than disclosing your tax returns is not disclosing your tax returns!

ARRRRRRNOLD

Please, you are giving me a brain tumor! California governors are not required by law to disclose their tax returns.

TAX EXAMINER

My most esteemed sir, you must remember you are in the position to create the state’s policies; that’s the comedy of life. Not disclosing your tax returns makes the public unaware of what loopholes you are benefiting from in your own best interest by the policies that you adopt; that’s the tragedy of life.

ARRRRRRNOLD

I once played a cyborg!

TAX EXAMINER

But making available your tax returns is a step often taken to assure the public that government decisions are not influenced by an official’s personal holdings.

ARRRRRRNOLD

All my tax deductions are for the good of California!

TAX EXAMINER

OK, then let’s look at what you are deducting. Plastic surgery?

ARRRRRRNOLD

No one wants to look at an ugly Governator. It is for the good of California to have a handsome Arrrrrrnold!

TAX EXAMINER

Sex-harassment training.

ARRRRRRNOLD

Arrrrrrnold is not a groper! It is for the good for California to have Arrrrrrnold stop his groping!

TAX EXAMINER

Viagra?

ARRRRRRNOLD

It is for the good of California! Arrrrrrnold needs to keep his helmet happy!

TAX EXAMINER

Steroids?

ARRRRRRNOLD

It is for the good of California not to have a girrrrly governor!

TAX EXAMINER

Trips to Austria?

ARRRRRRNOLD

I once played a cyborg. Don’t give me a brain tumor. It is for the good of California!

TAX EXAMINER

Paying constitutional lawyers to look into changing the law to allow you to become president?

ARRRRRRNOLD

Arrrrrrnold shall one day be the most powerful man in the world. It is for the good of California, but, most importantly, it is for the good of Arrrrrrnold!

TAX EXAMINER

Yes, but my dear governor, if it’s for the good of California, don’t you think the people of California have the right to know?

ARRRRRRNOLD

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines grossed more than $400 million! Arrrrrrnold could squash your head like a grape if he wanted to!

TAX EXAMINER

But the previous governors did it routinely.

ARRRRRRNOLD

Mr. Tax Examiner, the advantage of being governor is that one does not need to make his deductions public. It’s those who routinely did—Gray Davis, Pete Wilson and George Deukmejian—who are girrrrly men.

TAX EXAMINER

But Californians might want to know what you are trying to hide.

Lady Shriver enters. A woman of grave Greek beauty. Her affected manner and connection to the Kennedy family have a delicate charm. She carries in a tray of iced tea.

LADY SHRIVER

On the contrary, my dear, you are a fool to have just realized for the first time in your life the true importance of being Arrrrrrnold!

CURTAIN