A California State Fair bucket list

I've gone to the California State Fair nearly every year for 20 years running, and in that time have honed visits down to a routine so precise that it includes a route studded with booze stops, exhibit trips and bathroom breaks. OK, maybe it’s not that exact, but still, there are only so many hours in a day, and even though I try to visit at least twice in a season, there’s still no way I could take in everything the fair has to offer. Behold, my state fair bucket list. Someday, my friends, someday.

Buy a fair photo

Every year, to the dismay of my husband, I insist on letting one of those fair photographers snap a picture of us as soon as we pass through the hallowed gates. And every year we end up spending tons of coin at the photo booth (black-and-white only, please) and pass on purchasing that professionally shot pic, available at a booth near the exit. The thing is, somehow they got my email address, and all year I get reminders about these photos (seriously, there's one message about a photo that dates back several years). Maybe this year. Maybe.

Go under a spell

You know that hypnotist who pulls people from the audience and gets them to act like chickens and dance with random strangers? One of these days, I'm going find out for myself if it's total BS or not.

Ride with the swans

It looks so blissfully idyllic, floating through the water on a giant, plastic swan. The reality, however, is that the water is smelly, and I'll bet those birds are hot and uncomfortable. And yet, somehow, I still feel like I'm missing out.

Ride the Zipper

OK, I have actually been on this ride—but not in years, because, unlike when I was younger, such rides now make me ill. As in, vomit-inducing, fair-ending, body-bruising, fun-killing sick. But one of these summers I'm going to take some Dramamine, strap on a neck brace and relive my youth. Good times.

Go for a bungee jump

Ha-ha—just kidding. I am totally never doing that. Ever.