The Tuxedo

With a super spy in the hospital, his chauffeur (Jackie Chan) wears the spy’s high-tech tuxedo to chase a bottled-water magnate plotting to poison the world’s water supply with a germ that causes victims to die of thirst. Jeez, who wrote this junk? In fact, four people did, but I won’t embarrass their mothers by naming them. Along with director Kevin Donovan, they’ve managed to make a movie that even Jackie Chan can’t save. It feels cut-and-paste—scenes from a hundred different movies thrown together at random with lame dialogue and dumb ideas. (Jennifer Love Hewitt as a woman who “knows” she’ll never attract a man? Oh please.) Even the fight scenes are D.O.A. They’re so badly shot that Chan wastes his breath. We know he must be doing some great stuff, but the camera always seems to show up a split second too late.